Switching Sides
by Starbrigid
Summary: Mamoru and Zoisite went to sleep and woke up with something very wrong they're in each other's bodies! Will they ever be able to restore themselves, and what will Queen Beryl do if she finds out? UsaMamo, KunzZoi ZoiUsa? Discontinued...
1. Oh my God, I'm Zoisite!

Title- Switching Sides (1/?)  
  
Author- Starbrigid  
  
Rating- PG-13  
  
Disclaimer- Sailor Moon does not belong to me, it belongs to Kodansa, Toei Animation,  
Takeuchi-sama, and other various associations.  
  
Summary- Mamoru and Zoisite went to sleep one night, and woke up the next morning,  
realizing there is something very wrong about themselves- they're in each other's bodies! Will  
they be able to restore themselves before anyone finds out their true identities?  
  
Author's Note- This is set in a very vague part of the canon, sometime when Zoisite has  
retrieved two of the crystals and Tuxedo Kamen has only one. No one knows Tuxedo  
Kamen's identity but the Man Himself. An experimental-type one parter, just an idea that came  
into my head. I kind of liked it, so I put it down, just for laughs. This is rather similar to  
my BtVS story about Willow, only less serious.  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
  
He was so, so sick of the dream. He could say that outright now. Unless the princess wanted  
to be just a little more specific on what he should do, she could kiss her ginzuishou goodbye,  
Mamoru thought sourly. The Dark Kingdom was winning, and the princess was still designing  
dreams economically.  
  
Completely without how instructions, they had been the same from beginning to end. Find  
the ginzuishou. Save me. Blah blah blah. So what if the crystal would give him his memory  
back? His memory was starting to get really overrated.  
  
He mentally scolded himself at these thoughts. He was Tuxedo Kamen, honorable superhero,  
protector of the Earth, ally of the Sailor Senshi. He had to continue being noble and strong,  
even if it was hard. Yeah, yeah, Kamen, it's your bloody destiny. Get on with it.  
  
He sighed and stretched slightly. He wondered what time it was. His alarm for his first class  
hadn't rang yet, so it was probably pretty early. He rolled over to the side the clock would  
be on-  
  
And felt another body next to him. What in the world? His eyes shot open. A large, dark-  
skinned man was in bed with him. And both of them were very naked. He was instantly  
confused and a little panicked. He didn't remember drinking. And he didn't even like men,  
either!  
  
Suddenly, he saw long, copper-blonde hair splayed out on the pillow, in addition to the other  
man's white strands. His head jerked back violently. He definitely didn't do threesomes, even  
drunk! Then he noticed something much more distressing. The hair had moved along with his  
head. He jerked his head again, and the hair followed it.  
  
He felt a sinking feeling grow inside him, and he carefully inspected his surroundings. He was  
in a dark, stony room. There was a menacing air about the room, but there was still a lived-  
in feel to it. His eyes automatically went to the large mirror.  
  
He picked himself up quietly, careful not to wake the other man. He was painfully aware of  
his nakedness. He slowly padded over to the mirror. His body felt strange to him, amazingly  
light and easy to carry. Finally, he reached it, and nearly fainted at what he saw.  
  
He wasn't Chiba Mamoru, but that was far from the worst. He recognized the body he was  
in, despite the loose hair and the nakedness. He was the Dark Kingdom king Zoisite! This was  
not happening. This was not happening! Calm down, Chiba, he told himself. This is just  
another dream, like the one with the princess. No way could I suddenly be Zoisite.  
  
To prove his conclusion, he reached over and pinched his very naked arm. It hurt. His eyes  
bugged out. "Oh, my god! I'm Zoisite! I'm Zoisite! Oh my god somebody help me! I'm Zoisite!"  
  
Kunzite stirred a little, apparently roused closer to consciousness by the other man's  
hysterics. This was enough to cause false-Zoisite to stop his monologue and come back to  
his senses. Who was the white-haired guy who Zoisite apparently slept with? He didn't  
recognize him. What would the guy do if he realized he wasn't Zoisite? What would the Dark  
Kingdom do to him once they found out he was their enemy, Tuxedo Kamen?  
  
Better get used to being Zoisite, he decided, if that was possible. His eyes drifted from his  
reflected face downwards. Zoisite was slender and straight, and although there was  
definitely something feminine about this body (ugh!) looking at the genital area it was  
fortunately male.  
  
False-Zoisite winced at his actions, and looked back to his new face. Somehow, in all the  
time battling this man, he had missed something. The little sakura was strikingly beautiful, in  
an androgynous way. Again, ugh. False-Zoisite already missed his muscular, masculine body  
as Chiba Mamoru. Shut up, he told himself.   
  
Okay, he decided, first thing would be finding some clothes. Not only was it uncomfortable  
waltzing around naked, but he was cold as hell- bad analogy, Mamoru-kun, he told himself.  
He dimly recollected that Zoisite wore the same gray uniform the other Shitennou had. After  
a few moments of inspection, he found a closet on the other side of the depressing room.  
  
He opened the closet slowly, and harsh reality hit him again. There was a variety of clothes  
in there, but predominately, overwhelmingly, it was full of gray Dark Kingdom uniforms. He  
was now the enemy of the Earth and the bishoujo senshi.  
  
How did he get one of these things on? After much inspection, he found an intricate system  
of buttons in the front, obscured from view on the outside. He managed to get the top on  
himself. The clothes felt unusually tight to him, and he wondered if Zoisite had them that  
way on purpose. The pants fit the same way, too. He awkwardly shoved the boots on top on  
the pants. They felt odd to him, just like the rest of the uniform had. His body was used to  
them, but his mind wasn't.  
  
He walked back over to the mirror and stared at his reflection again. He couldn't believe this.  
This was too much for him to deal with. Especially his stupid, stupid long hair. How could  
Zoisite deal with keeping it that long? It was so heavy, even after he put it up in a ponytail.  
He hadn't thought long hair would be that bothersome. Odango Atama must have so much  
work to do on hers, he realized. Maybe that's why she hates me insulting it so much.  
  
I'm never going to see the Odango Atama again, he realized. Or Motoki, or Reika, or Rei, or  
the rest of Odango's friends, or Unazuki, or any of my teachers or classmates. I'm probably  
stuck with one of my worst enemy's bed warmers and a whole bunch of youma and no one  
else. I want to be Chiba Mamoru!  
  
He heard a slight rustling behind him. The white-haired man sat up, and False-Zoisite had to  
fight the urge to avert his eyes. "Zoisaito," Kunzite murmured, "Why are you already  
dressed?" He had a deep voice, False-Zoisite noted. "Did Queen Beryl-sama summon us?"  
  
Who the hell was this Beryl person? He had no idea, but he had to give an answer. "Um, no,"  
he said, keeping his voice calm and level.   
  
"It's not like you to get up this early," Kunzite continued, sounding either amused or puzzled.  
Then he gave the equivalent of a shrug, and clothes appeared on him, a gray uniform with  
light blue trim. He pushed the sheet off him and stood up.   
  
An involuntary squeak issued itself from False-Zoisite's mouth. Kunzite stared at him,  
confused. "What's wrong, Zoisite?"  
  
What was wrong? What was WRONG? The guy was a full-blown king, just like Zoi! False-  
Zoisite realized then that he was so, so, screwed.   
  
"Nothing, Kunzite-sama," he blurted out. What was with that? He had automatically spoken,  
seeming to just know the man's name. It was probably from Zoisite's body, residual traces of  
Zoisite's mind. His analytical mind accepted all this coolly.  
  
"We should go make an address to my troops, now that we're awake and dressed," Kunzite  
informed him. He didn't ask False-Zoisite if he wanted to come or not. He simply assumed he  
would be coming.  
  
Kunzite disappeared in a flash of silver light, leaving False-Zoisite puzzled. He had no idea  
how to teleport. Didn't Zoisite usually disappear, surrounded by cherry petals? He was  
vaguely sure that was it, but how was he supposed to do it?  
  
The other general reappeared, looking annoyed. "Zoisite, I don't want to wait around for you  
to comb your hair or fix it or something stupid like that. Hurry up." He teleported away from  
the baffled-looking younger man, then returned a second later, looking pissed off. "Zoisite,  
you can't-"  
  
Suddenly, False-Zoi heard a loud noise. Actually, calling a loud noise was too mild to describe  
it correctly. It was more like an explosion, and it resounded through him. "KUNZITE! ZOISITE!  
REPORT TO MY THRONE ROOM IMMEDIATELY!" This was shrieked by a high, scratchy female  
voice he didn't recognize. He glanced at Kunzite, and it was obvious that he feared and  
respected the speaker.  
  
"Come on, Zoisite. We have no time for your games now," Kunzite said softly, then grabbed  
False-Zoi's arm and teleported him to the throne hall of the great Queen Beryl-sama.  
  
***  
  
Zoisite wasn't in his own body. He had woken up in a completely different place then where  
he had gone to sleep, and in a completely different realm to boot. Kunzite-sama hadn't been  
there with him. To top it all off, he didn't even have his powers!  
  
The second king of Beryl's hierarchy was fully aware of all of this, and so one might have  
expected him to be doing something productive, like investigating why, or even crying for his  
Kunzite-sama. And indeed, the no-longer gender ambiguous man did intend to do one or both  
of these things in due time. But for now, this was an opportunity he couldn't pass up. Sure,  
someone had pulled some strange magick on him, but he'd panic later. This was actually a  
great time to have some fun!  
  
He was only minimally familiar with the Earth realm, but he knew enough to get by there. His  
goal wasn't anything remarkable or honorable, like to make friends or discover new  
surroundings. Quite frankly, he wanted to eat until he made himself sick. Zoisite had never  
been able to eat as much as he wanted to, fearing that he'd gain weight. He just couldn't  
damage his beauty. What could he offer to his Kunzite-sama then? He'd always had to  
restrain himself. Now was a once-in-a-lifetime situation. He could eat all he wanted, because  
he wouldn't be ruining his own body, he'd be ruining someone else's, namely some black-  
haired guy's.  
  
The apartment the said guy lived in repeatedly, prominently displayed the name of the Crown  
Center, and even had instructions on how to get there. It was all so convenient. False-  
Mamoru pranced into the small establishment, grinning. It was of a fair size, with a lot of  
arcade games, and with a counter to order food from. He seated himself at one of the stools  
and waited to be served.  
  
After a few moments, in which False-Mamoru sighed and tapped his foot impatiently, a guy  
finally came up from the other side of the counter to serve him. He was fairly tall, with short,  
dark blonde hair and a rather unflattering apron on.  
  
"Can I help you?" he asked, grinning rather unprofessionally. False-Mamoru considered for a  
second. "Your usual cup of black coffee, right?"  
  
"No!" False-Mamoru shook his head and let out a few giggles, which was quite unlike his  
body. "I'm a man on the edge today-" he checked the man's name tag- "Motoki-san! Give  
me the largest hot fudge sundae you've got!" He giggled some more.  
  
Motoki made no move to obey his order, but simply cast a concerned glance on him.  
"Mamoru-kun, you're acting strange. You're not like you usually are."  
  
False-Mamoru felt his jaw fall a little bit open, then hastily shut it. This guy knew him? Cool.  
If Motoki ditched the apron, who knew what possibilities there might be? Hmm... false-  
Mamoru wondered. Definitely grow out the hair...  
  
"Are you sure you're not sick or anything?"  
  
He turned his attention back to reality. "Sure. Can I have my hot fudge sundae now?" He  
gave Motoki the bright, innocent smile that always worked when he wanted something from  
Kunzite.  
  
Motoki shook his head. There was something different about Mamoru. Something totally  
wrong. Throwing off a sudden irrational sense of panic, he entered the kitchen to prepare  
the sundae. He exited with it, several minutes later. The thing was extremely huge. Motoki  
recalled the last time he had tried to eat one of them. He had thrown it up, all over Unazuki-  
chan. He cringed at the memories of Unazuki's wrath (and her broom) that were brought up,  
and turned his attention to his scarily OOC friend.  
  
"All yours, Mamoru-kun," Motoki said in the cheeriest voice he could. Suddenly, lightning  
struck him, in an extremely non-literal way, and he almost dropped the ice cream sundae.  
  
"Hey," False-Mamoru said, "I do wanna eat that, you know."  
  
"Mamoru-kun!" Motoki gasped. "You have Saturday classes! Right now!"  
  
Zoi pouted inwardly at this. "Oh well," he finally said brightly. "Classes are stupid!" To  
emphasize his point, False-Mamoru scooped up a large amount of vanilla ice cream and  
dumped it in his mouth, pointedly savoring it.   
  
"Mamoru-kun, what do you mean? What's gotten into you, anyway?"  
  
False-Mamoru pointedly ignored his friend, turning his back as if to say, You're no fun. Motoki  
was about to say something else to him, but them spotted Usagi entering. She sat down a  
few seats away from False-Mamoru, and eyed the huge amount of ice cream he was  
devouring with barely disguised envy.  
  
"Konnichiwa, Usagi-chan," Motoki greeted the teenager, still a little shaken up by Mamoru's  
unusual behavior.  
  
"I'll have a dish of chocolate ice cream, Motoki-oniichan," Usagi ordered. Motoki hastily went  
to get her order.  
  
You know, he was getting really tired of serving ice cream to people when it was still  
rightfully breakfast-time. Even if they were close friends of his.  
  
Zoisite turned his eyes to the young girl and watched her carefully. This Mamoru guy seemed  
to find her familiar, for the words Odango Atama automatically sprang to his mind at the  
sight of her. This Mamoru guy's body had a slightly different reaction as she licked her lips  
semiconsciously. And Zoisite wondered at the next thought that sprang up, which was that  
he wondered what it would be like to kiss a girl.  
  
It was funny. He had never thought of women at all that way before. Mamoru must have  
been straight, and his body reflected that as False-Mamoru gazed at the Odango. It wouldn't  
do any harm to experiment, would it? It would be good to be able to say that he had  
actually kissed a girl, even if he had only done it once. And it wouldn't even really be  
cheating on Kunzite, anyway. Even after, he could truthfully say the Dark Kingdom Tennou  
Zoisite hadn't touched anyone but Kunzite.  
  
Usagi was playing with a few loose ends of her hair when she saw False-Mamoru come up to  
her. "Hi, Odango!" he announced, grinning broadly and openly.  
  
"I don't have time to argue with you, Mamoru-baka," Usagi said, purposefully sounding  
disinterested.  
  
"Yes you do!" Mamoru said cheerfully. He swung his long legs onto the seat next to Usagi  
and turned to face her. "And I don't want to argue, anyway!"  
  
"What do you want?" Usagi asked, looking up into False-Mamoru's earnest face. Zoisite  
considered saying 'You', but then realized it would be a little forward, especially for this  
innocent schoolgirl.  
  
Metallia's tits, this was hard! He had never been involved romantically with anyone besides  
Kunzite. Even then, it had been more like an "I'm your superior officer and your teacher, just  
get your trousers off already" sort of deal. Zoisite was rapidly beginning to lose his  
enthusiasm for this activity, and he himself would have never found this Usagi girl attractive  
anyway. But still, he had to get through this.  
  
"Odango Atama, you're going to go out on a date with me!" False-Mamoru finally blurted it,  
then breathed much more easily after just getting it out. As for the form he had said it in?  
He was used to ordering everyone he knew around, excepting Beryl and the other Shitennou.  
It was completely natural for him. However, it can safely be said that Usagi didn't see it that  
way.  
  
"You JERK!" Zoisite saw the girl's clenched fist heading towards him long before it struck, but  
oddly enough did nothing to prevent it. He was unprepared for the sheer, unbelievable force  
in her blow, which sent him flying from his stool to the ground. His attacker stood up and  
began to wail incoherently, something about the first guy asking her out just being a joke  
from stupid old Satan, then fled from the arcade, ice cream forgotten.  
  
Mamoru looked up to see Motoki sitting on the counter, watching with a sympathetic yet  
amused expression. It was impossible to tell how long he'd been watching. False-Mamoru  
picked himself up angrily. Motoki was completely unprepared for his friend's reaction.  
  
"You little BITCH! How dare you attack me? ME? I'll show you who's the master around here!  
YOU WON'T EVER DARE TO CROSS ME AGAIN!" It is worth noting that False-Mamoru bellowed  
this entire questionable monologue to the ceiling.  
  
Suddenly, Mamoru's anger seemed to fade a little as he placed himself back where he had  
been sitting. "Ano... Motoki-san?" he asked in a sort of little-kid voice.  
  
"Hai, Mamoru-kun?" While Motoki seemed calm on the exterior, inside, he was wondering,  
what the hell was his best friend on, and where could he get some?  
  
"Can I have another one of those sundaes?" 


	2. My one true love, the Odango Atama!

Disclaimer- Ah, if Naoko-sama would just give me the Outer Senshi and the Shitennou, just  
them, I'd be one happy author... but alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, I content myself  
with fanfiction, and blindly hope for the day...  
  
Summary- Mamoru and Zoisite have further... adventures in each other's bodies.  
  
Author's Note- Thank you for the nice reviews. And yes, Usagi/Mamoru interaction is one of  
the main themes of this story. If you also like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I suggest you read  
one of my other stories, Out of Time, Out of World, which has many of the same themes,  
only messing with time and Willow. Also- this chapter is a bit dirtier than the first, because  
of Zoi's potty mouth. I still don't think it's enough to make it R, not by a long shot, though.  
I'm just warning.  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Two  
  
  
False-Mamoru pouted. He knew it didn't look the same in this annoying black-haired guy's  
body, but it was too fundamental a habit for Zoi to stop doing it now. And the nerve of all  
these stupid humans! Zoisite was starting to remember why he'd never given humans that  
much thought before. Both the Odango and that Motoki. Their nerve! How could Motoki  
refuse to serve him his tenth sundae? It was unbelievable.  
  
And the Odango. How could she refuse his advances? Granted, he didn't have his old,  
beautiful body, but this one was good-looking enough. Plus, he had his natural, charming  
personality. And it wasn't like the Odango was exactly a stunner. False-Mamoru's pout  
deepened, then he brightened. Odango may have won the battle, but not the war! Makenai!  
He would never give up!  
  
Where was he supposed to go? He hated to admit it, but he was kind of full for the moment.  
He could get some more food later, when he wasn't so stuffed, but if he ate any more now,  
he'd probably throw up. Ugh. He stopped a moment to steady himself.  
  
Suddenly, he got an idea. That Motoki idea had said that he had classes. After a quick stop  
at this Mamoru guy's apartment, he picked up a schedule. He didn't bother with any books.  
They would have detracted from his plan, anyway.  
  
He waltzed into his second class, British Literature, fifteen minutes late. The teacher, Mr.  
Hartman was lecturing about something, and the students were quiet and attentive,  
scribbling down notes as fast as they could. Naturally, False-Mamoru felt it his duty to  
disturb this achievement of balance.  
  
"Hello!" he called out, posing for a moment in the door before filing to the only empty desk.  
He flashed one of the things he had seen someone in the Earth Realm do- the finger- before  
plopping himself down. "I'm here, ready to absorb the knowledge!"  
  
The entire class was gaping at him. What bookworms! Hadn't they ever done anything! He  
grinned. The teacher frowned, lecture fully halted. "Mamoru-san, where are your books!"  
  
False-Mamoru smirked. "I have a new motto!"  
  
Mr. Hartman sighed, fully perturbed. Mamoru was normally a model student. "Yes?"  
  
False-Mamoru flashed the finger again, and remained silent, grinning insanely. The teacher  
sighed, and repeated his question. "Mamoru-san, where are your books?"  
  
"My new motto is, what books!" False-Mamoru giggled loudly at his own lame joke. The  
entire class was gaping at him. What had happened to reclusive, smart, studious Mamoru?  
Was he on drugs, or something?  
  
"Very well..." the teacher said, shuddering mentally. He would never understand his  
students. The moment he thought he had them figured out, they acted so scarily out of  
character, as Chiba Mamoru had just demonstrated. Then he remembered that he actually  
did have a job, and continued his lecture. The students shot final, worried glances at False-  
Mamoru, then resumed taking notes.  
  
False-Mamoru was immediately bored. Also, he wanted to be the center of attention again.  
Suddenly realizing what he could do, he leaned forward, towards the braided, glasses-  
wearing girl in front of him. "Hey," he whispered. Then he leaned even closer and whispered  
something in her ear that he had learned from Kunzite.  
  
The entire class turned as the girl in front of False-Mamoru shrieked at the top of her lungs,  
"Oh my god!" and jumped about three feet, still sitting. The girls' friends stared at Mamoru  
accusingly. He flashed his best "I'm-such-an-innocent-little-angel" smile at them.  
  
The teacher frowned. What was going on? Everything had been going fine until Mamoru came  
in. He desperately resumed the lecture, unsure of what else to do. The students, still  
puzzled and uneasy, didn't pay that much attention.  
  
False-Mamoru was pleased with the effect he'd had. He leaned forward again. "Hey little  
girl." He lowered his voice to a sultry whisper. "Ever sucked off a guy before?" She shook her  
head, embarrassed beyond belief. "After class, wanna learn how?" He raised an eyebrow  
suggestively.  
  
The girl shrieked again, this time even louder. She jumped up from her seat and backed up  
about five feet from Mamoru. "Professor," she called out frantically, "Can I switch seats with  
someone?"  
  
This time, Professor Hartman hadn't seen anything. He had been too busy writing on the  
board. "Don't be silly, Reiko-san. Sit back down. I wish you'd stop interrupting my lecture."  
Once again, he began to talk about the class' subject, British Lit, but no one was listening at  
all. They were too busy gaping at Reiko and False-Mamoru.  
  
Reiko returned to her seat, and eyed False-Mamoru with a suspicious glare. False-Mamoru  
flashed another innocent smile. After a few minutes, when he hadn't tried anything, she  
turned her attention back to literary devices. Suddenly, she felt False-Mamoru's cool tongue  
lick her neck!  
  
She screamed, "Aaaah!" and bolted from the classroom as fast as her legs could carry her.  
She didn't even remember to pick up her books. Several other girls left after her, looking  
concerned. Mamoru folded his hands, and grinned madly. This was FUN!  
  
He was struck by inspiration at that point, and ignoring all rules of propriety got up on his  
desk. Everyone stopped and stared at him. False-Mamoru gave a large bow, then began to  
speak. "For your listening pleasure, I will perform an impromptu concert!" He smiled widely,  
then burst into song, to the tune of the American carol "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer",  
only... slightly different.  
  
"Hartman has a real big THING  
I think you know what I mean  
Though Hartman may not look it  
He is really quite obscene.  
  
All of the other teachers  
Used to slightly edge away  
Because of his real big THING  
He would want rolls in the hay!  
  
Then one dark and stormy night  
Students came to say,  
'Hartman with your real big THING  
Won't you-'"  
  
"Shut up!" the subject of the song shouted. "Chiba Mamoru! Get of my class, and for the  
love of God, stop that song!"  
  
False-Mamoru grinned. "Okay!" He pranced out, satisfied. He had accomplished his goal.  
  
***  
  
Usagi's school was just getting out. She was walking out with two other girls, one brunette,  
one blue-haired, talking and giggling intently. He ran up.  
  
"Hi, Odango!" False-Mamoru shouted. "Fancy us meeting here!"   
  
A look of pure horror crossed Usagi's face. "Oh God. It's you. Do you stalk me now?" Her two  
friends looked up with interest.  
  
"No!" False-Mamoru said. His permanent idiotic grin was still in place. "I just happened to be  
passing by, and then I saw-" he stopped for dramatics- "My one true love!"  
  
Usagi's two friends burst into hilarious, disbelieving giggles at this. "Wow, Usagi-chan!" the  
brunette squealed.  
  
"No, it's not what you think," Usagi told her friends. "It's just Mamoru-baka. He thinks he's  
found another way to annoy me. Well, he's got another thing coming!" She started towards  
False-Mamoru, fists clenched, but on the way, her school shoe caught on a crack on the  
sidewalk. She tripped, screamed, "Not again!" and fell flat on her face at False-Mamoru's  
feet.  
  
"Wow, this is a nice position, Odango," False-Mamoru said, being deliberately suggestive. He  
wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
Usagi stumbled to her feet, outraged. She drew back her purse, shrieked, "EECHI!" at the  
top of her lungs, and clobbered him a good one. He drew back, grabbed his face. Ow! His  
face! His beautiful face! How dare she hurt his beautiful face! Ow! His beautiful face!  
  
Oh, wait. It was this Mamoru guy's face, not his own beautiful one. Never mind. But still ow.  
Ow!  
  
Usagi stalked away, red and fuming, trailed by her two giggling friends. False-Mamoru now  
recognized them as and Ami and Makoto. He vaguely knew them. Apparently they didn't  
really like him, considered how they giggled at his plight. He was hit in the face! By a little  
human girl! With her PURSE! The indignity! The trauma!  
  
"You're paying for my therapy!" he called after the departing Odango, but she was out of  
earshot by then. "Oh well. I won't be discouraged!" False-Mamoru shouted. Zoi was never  
one to back away from a challenge, and he loved this new, responsibility-free life (though he  
did miss his Kunzite-sama.) "I will have you, Odango! I will never give up! I still echo the  
ancient battle cry! Ma-ke-nai! Ma-ke-nai!"  
  
The students of Juuban Jr. High stared at him. "What's his problem?" one of the students  
asked loudly.  
  
"Ma-ke-nai!"  
  
~The Dark Kingdom~  
  
Kunzite and False-Zoisite appeared before Beryl. That is to say, Kunzite appeared before  
Beryl. False-Zoisite appeared before a huge, tall, scary, monstrous, frightening, stunning,  
traumatizing red-haired dominatrix beast in a horrible, scary, monstrous, traumatizing throne  
room, full of toadying youma. "Gah!" he shrieked, and Kunzite glared at him.  
  
Queen Beryl only looked amused. "Zoisite. Is there something wrong?" she asked. False-  
Zoisite forced himself to look up at her. His mind once again shrieked Gah! but he managed  
to keep his mouth silent this time.  
  
"No, Queen Beryl-sama. Nothing wrong at all. Peachy. Positively." False-Zoisite babbled.  
  
Kunzite elbowed him, glaring. "Stop acting like an idiot, Zoisite. You're making me look bad."  
False-Zoisite winced.  
  
"Very well," Beryl said, eyes still flickering with amusement. "Now that we've dealt with that  
small and incredibly entertaining diversion, let's move on to why I called my two generals  
here, shall I?"  
  
"Whatever you see fit to do, Queen Beryl-sama," Kunzite said reverently. False-Zoisite  
snickered under his breath, and Kunzite shot him a death glare.  
  
"Very well. Metallia-sama has spoke to me again today. She has told me how pleased she is  
of your recent victory. Apparently, the green crystal which you retrieved, Zoisite,  
invigorates her. She is extremely pleased with its energy, and the two who got it for her.  
She says that we can wait for a while before pursuing the next nijizuishou." She stopped for  
a moment, then continued.  
  
"I concur with our Great Leader's judgment. Waiting would put the Sailor Senshi and that  
nuisance Tuxedo Kamen-" here Zoisite flinched almost unnoticeably, though Kunzite noticed-   
"off their guard. So I am allowing the two of you a vacation. You are free to go to wherever  
in the Dark Kingdom or the Earth Realm you please, and you may stay there until I summon  
you. I trust you two will-" she raised an eyebrow- "Enjoy yourselves." Apparently, she was  
perfectly aware of Kunzite and Zoisite's nocturnal activities.  
  
Kunzite looked at False-Zoisite, and gave a rare smile, and moved ever-so-closer to False-  
Zoisite.  
  
Mamoru felt panicked. Possibly weeks alone in the middle of nowhere with Kunzite, no one  
else around-  
  
Oh no. Oh, no.  
  
Kunzite put a hand on False-Zoisite's shoulder. "Come on, Zoisite. Let's go."  
  
False-Zoisite ever-so-slightly edged away from the taller man. "Um, heh. Heh. Heh."  
  
TBC.  
  
Please review! Reviews motivate me to write more. 


	3. Kunzite is NOT AMUSED!

Disclaimer- I'm not Naoko Takeuchi. Actually, that should be Takeuchi Naoko, especially  
since I write in the Japanese SM. And it does kind of make sense to put the family name  
first, because that's really more important. But it is nice to have your first name first,  
because that's more specific to you as an individual. With your family name first, it's like,  
"Wah, they belong to family blah blah blah, so who cares who they are?" That would be  
especially bad for women, who probably already have less rights in Japan, and... where was I  
again? Aw, nevermind.  
  
Summary- False-Zoisite and Kunzite's crazy misadventures coupled with False-Mamoru and Usagi's  
crazy misadventures- Kidnaping! Darth Vader! Alchohol! Zoisite actually forced to take the  
stairs! (gasp! oh, the horror! the angst!) All this, and much more wackiness soon to ensue.  
  
Author's Note- I put my email address up! (Grins madly, doing a very good False-Mamoru  
imitation...) That means if you have any really detailed comments, you can email me with  
them, instead of putting them all in the review! (Can you say, Starbrigid's full of herself?)  
Anyway, remember to review!  
  
***  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Three  
  
  
Mamoru's life was over.  
  
Well, okay, maybe that was being a bit melodramatic. Okay, so it was being a lot  
melodramatic. He was still living and breathing, though not living and breathing in the same  
body. As far as he knew, all his loved ones were still alive-  
  
He had loved ones?   
  
Okay, good point.  
  
Face it, Mamoru-kun, he told himself. And it was true. His family was dead, and the only  
remotely close friend he had was Motoki.   
  
And he still had his brain and his intelligence. But that was about as far as his luck went.  
Because he was trapped in a vacation resort in the middle of the Dark Kingdom, with a  
powerful and clearly very lusty Dark Kingdom Tennou, who thought that he was another  
Tennou, and the aforementioned powerful lusty Tennou also happened to be this Tennou's  
snuggle bunny.  
  
False-Zoisite snuck a glance at the said snuggle-bunny. Kunzite's attention wasn't fixed on  
him, for once. He was bent over a well-crafted stone table, pouring himself a glass of red  
wine.  
  
The real Zoisite would have made some sort of sarcastic remark about Kunzite drinking,  
which would have been most certainly been related to the recently deceased King Nephrite.  
But the REAL Zoisite wasn't present. Little known to Mamoru (False-Zoisite), the REAL  
Zoisite was trying to chat up Tsukino Usagi. It was actually pretty lucky Mamoru didn't know.  
If he had found out, he most likely would have been pushed over the edge and gone  
completely insane.  
  
False-Zoisite sent one last cautious glance over at Kunzite, who appeared to be- grooming  
his long white hair? then snuck away as quietly as he could. Okay, hiding was the most  
viable option. He could handle that. Couldn't he?  
  
The trouble was, he had no idea what the layout of the resort was. He found himself quickly,  
hopelessly lost in a large stone room. There was a big device in the middle of it which looked  
kind of like a shower in its shape. There was a door to open and close it.  
  
Against his better judgment, False-Zoisite crept towards it, then walked into it. On closer  
inspection, it appeared to be a device that could transform your clothes into any form you  
wanted, with magic. Weird. Really weird. Especially for such an EEEVIL realm. He mentally  
shrugged, then began to program the machine. This was probably as good a place to hide  
from Kunzite as any, and besides, he had a fun idea. Mamoru had been a bright, inquisitive  
child, and his investigations of popular culture hadn't been limited to just Japan, but also the  
United States. This was reflected in the clothes that donned False-Zoisite's slender form as  
he finally stepped out of the machine.   
  
False-Zoisite was thrilled to discover a full-length mirror in the corner of the room. He placed  
himself before it, then burst into laughter. "I look- wow!" he managed to choke out in  
between his laughter. And indeed, the second-ranked Shitennou's body did make a  
surprisingly good Darth Vader.  
  
You have to understand here. Mamoru had kept himself under control practically all the time.  
He was very reserved, and rarely had any fun. Something had burst inside Mamoru at that  
point, and he overcompensated. He had... a little TOO much fun.  
  
Thrilled by this new opportunity, he tried out some of Darth Vader's trademark heavy  
breathing. It sounded really good to him. "Hoo-pah," he breathed menacingly. "Hoo-pah.  
Hoo-pah."  
  
Suddenly he was struck by a wonderful idea. He began to parade around the large room,  
singing Darth Vader's theme music rather loudly. "Dah dah dah, duh dahdah, duh dahdah!  
Dah dah dah, DUH dahdah, DUH dahdah! Dah dah dah duh dahdahdahdahdah dah dah,  
dahdahdahdahdah dah dah, DUH dahdah, DUH dahdah!" He laughed out loud before  
continuing on his song.  
  
This was great! He hadn't had this wonderful time in what seemed like forever! "Dah dah dah,  
duh dahdah, duh dahdah-"   
  
"Zoisite, what in Metallia's name are you doing?" Kunzite stood in the doorway, silhouetted in  
the dim, magically created light. He had seen a good deal of the show, and he was NOT  
AMUSED.  
  
***  
  
"And you should NOT imitate human cultural phenomena! I am your sensei and your master,  
Zoisite, and you will obey me!" Finally finished his speech, the red-faced Ice King looked  
down to see how much of it his lover had absorbed.  
  
False-Zoisite was fast asleep. He was snoring lightly, and drool was leaking from his mouth  
onto the sofa he had collapsed on.  
  
Any lesser man would have completely lost it then, but Kunzite was no mere mortal. He was  
the highest-ranking of the Shitennou, the head of Beryl's hierarchy. He was the most  
powerful man in the entire Dark Kingdom, and furthermore, he was renowned for his  
emotional control.  
  
To sum that lengthy statement up, Kunzite completely lost it.  
  
"Metallia-sama! What the hell is wrong with you, Zoi!" Kunzite roared. It was so loud that it  
caused the deeply slumbering False-Zoisite to wake up, yawning.  
  
"Did you say something?" False-Zoisite yawned.  
  
Kunzite put his head in his hands. Sometimes he thought his student was hopeless. "Never  
mind, Zoisite. If you wish, you may go back to your foolish game." He didn't actually mean  
the last statement. It was a test.  
  
"Okay." Which False-Zoisite had failed.  
  
"Stop!" Kunzite called. His expression turned frosty, and he thoroughly showed why he had  
gained his title of Ice King. "You will stay. You've angered me, Zoisite, with all your foolish,  
careless behavior today."  
  
"Very well," False-Zoisite said. He looked up bravely, Tuxedo Kamen showing through. "Give  
me my punishment."  
  
Kunzite blinked, startled. What was going on? Zoisite was just bravely accepting his  
reprimand? Normally, he would pout and whine and beg for a good deal before giving in. It  
was one of his definitive character flaws, along with his impatience and ditziness, both of  
which he had been demonstrating fully today. But to just give in, so honorably?  
  
What was going on? Kunzite's eyes narrowed. "Zoisite? Is there something you're not telling  
me?"  
  
~Tokyo~  
  
  
False-Mamoru strolled along the street. After his encounter with Odango, he had gone and  
eaten another sickening amount of ice cream, and he had felt even better. Now, the sky was  
beginning to darken, and he had decided to return to his apartment. He needed to change  
his clothes- his shirt was stained with chocolate ice cream.  
  
He began to whistle, in a thoroughly good mood. His day had been fun, and gone extremely  
well. It was easy to forget that he was a Dark Kingdom Shitennou with a dangerous,  
dominating lover and a mission of destruction, and just think he was a carefree young man,  
with a humble, peaceful mission of getting the girl and annoying everyone in sight.  
  
Once he had arrived at his apartment building, he walked into the lobby, then pressed the up  
button on the elevator. It lit up, but after several minutes of waiting, no elevator had come.  
False-Mamoru gritted his teeth, then cast a doubtful glance at the stairs. His apartment was  
pretty high up. Should he risk the physical exertion of taking the stairs, or risk waiting for the  
elevator forever?  
  
After another minute of waiting, his decision was made. Sighing heavily, False-Mamoru made  
his way up the stairs. To his surprise, climbing up them was easy. He wasn't winded or  
sweaty or tired at all after it. Rather, he felt invigorated, like he could still run a marathon.  
Wow. It was weird. He was used to any sort of physical activity being horribly taxing, but  
this body was strong.  
  
He walked to his apartment and unlocked the door. He filed into its immaculate interior, then  
slammed the door, enjoying the loud bang it made. He was free! Free! He felt like running  
around screaming, "I'm alive! I'm alive!"  
  
He WAS alive. Smiling, he pulled his dirty shirt off (whoa, he looked really good shirtless) and  
bounded up the stairs to get another one. He picked a black silk one that actually looked  
pretty sexy on him, then put on a pair of black leather pants, stuffed in the back of the  
closet. They screamed, "Gift I've been too embarrassed to wear ever since I got it!"  
  
False-Mamoru grinned approvingly, then pulled his shoes off, along with his boring black  
slacks, and pulled the leather pants on. They fit like a second skin. He looked dead sexy in  
them. I have a really cute butt, he thought.  
  
He stood up, grabbed a leather jacket from the closet, and stuffed his wallet in it. Then he  
turned off the lights in his apartment and left. It was time to win the Odango's heart.  
  
***  
  
False-Mamoru watched stealthily, Ferrari hidden behind the corner of the road. Ah, yes!  
Success! The Odango was walking across the sidewalk, unaccompanied and unarmed. He  
noted (and his body noted, too) that she was wearing a quite delectable pink miniskirt. Time  
for action.  
  
He wasn't really sure what he was doing. The Zoisite he remembered himself as being  
would have never acted so forwardly in pursuing a relationship, especially with a GIRL. And why  
was he being so downright silly and carefree? All he knew, though, was that this body seemed to  
want and care for the Odango. And maybe he deserved a break. Maybe he couldn't always be the  
crack Dark Kingdom General, trying to beat Nephrite and gain Beryl's favor and kill the senshi  
and make Kunzite think him worthy. Maybe he just needed to be himself.  
  
False-Mamoru sprang out of his car and grabbed the unwary Usagi around the waist. He  
opened the door to the backseat, threw her into it, then slammed the door and jumped into  
the driver's seat. Operating on pure adrenaline, he leaned over, and lightning-fast, pressed  
the button to lock all the doors.  
  
Usagi's eyes opened wide, and she gasped, as False-Mamoru's foot hit the gas pedal and the  
car roared away from her house.  
  
"Oh my god! Mamoru-baka, what in the world are you doing?" She was disbelieving, and also  
disgusted. Mamoru was just going too far this time! She desperately wanted to hit him over  
the head for the third time today, but this time, she couldn't run away. And, though she was  
much less willing to admit it, he did look sexy as hell in those leather pants.  
  
False-Mamoru flashed her a winning, seductive smile. "Why, Odango, how could you forget  
about our date?"  
  
Usagi's brow furrowed? "There- there was a date?" She wished she didn't sound so 'naive  
schoolgirl'. "And don't call me Odango!" she called out, feeling the need to push out a cheap  
shot to validate herself.  
  
"I'll call you what I want, Odango!" he said. He winked, blew her a kiss, and Usagi hated him.  
She hated him for making fun of her and her hair, she hated him for kidnaping her, and most of  
all, she hated him for how he looked in those leather pants.  
  
"Let me go, you jerk!" she shrieked, remembering her hostility towards her captor and the rather  
desperate situation she was in.  
  
False-Mamoru shook his head. "No," he said emphatically. "Tonight, Odango, you are going  
out on the night of your life!  
  
***  
  
TBC.  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	4. Can you stop puking in the trash can now...

Disclaimer- I STILL don't own Sailor Moon, but as the Stars theme song goes, "Makenai!" I  
will never give up trying!  
  
Author's Note- This I what, when I thought of the plot, I termed as "the chapter where  
everything goes down." Ahem. Not literally. Currently listening to "Adia" by Sarah McLachlan.  
Totally wrong for the subject matter, but (laughs manically) that's the FUN!  
  
  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Four  
  
  
"When we get out of this car, you are so dead, Mamoru-baka!" Usagi called up, annoyed as  
hell and rather frantic at the speed-limit-ignoring speed False-Mamoru seemed bent on  
pursuing.  
  
False-Mamoru smirked. "Okay, Odango! So we won't get out of the car!" Abruptly, he pulled  
the speeding car to the side of the road in an undeniably illegal parking maneuver. He  
unbuckled his seatbelt and plopped down in the backseat next to Usagi.  
  
Usagi shuddered. "Mamoru-baka, you aren't thinking of... trying anything... are you?"  
  
False-Mamoru shook his head, looking offended. "What kind of man do you take me for,  
Odango! I'm a gentleman!" Actually, he really, really WASN'T, but that was beyond the point,  
wasn't it?  
  
Usagi bit her lip, then decided to try a diversionary tactic. Unfortunately, the only one she  
could come up with was LAME, but she decided to try it anyway. "Mamoru-baka," she began  
slyly, "Your tag's showing."  
  
False-Mamoru jumped. "Oh god! Really? Where?" He began to frantically feel around his neck.  
Usagi's diversion had worked, but she was too busy cracking up to try anything. Who knew  
Mamoru-baka was so VAIN?  
  
False-Mamoru stopped, realizing there was no tag. "Odango, that was mean!" he declared,  
pouting.  
  
"Yeah," Usagi muttered. "That's me. Mean. Can you let me go now?"  
  
"Never! Not until you declare your love for me!" False-Mamoru shouted. "I mean, I don't love  
you, but I think this body does."  
  
Usagi's brow furrowed. "Mamoru-baka, is that some weird way of saying that you're  
attracted to me?"  
  
"No," False-Mamoru grinned. There was something about this girl, or maybe something his  
body's personality felt, that made him want to tell her the truth. "Want to know a secret?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'll tell you anyway!" False-Mamoru shouted. He leaned in conspiratorially. "I'm not really  
Chiba Mamoru. But this is his body. We switched bodies. I don't know how."  
  
Usagi giggled. "Are you serious?"  
  
"Dead serious," False-Mamoru told her. "I'm really one of the leaders of an evil society of  
aliens, and I attack the people of Earth to try to bring about our great mission. And the  
other leader is my teacher and my lover, who I really miss, by the way. I'm gay, and look  
kind of gender-unsure in my real body."  
  
Usagi backed away ever so slightly. "Heh, heh," she said, stalling for time. But this was  
serious! She was trapped in a car with a madman!  
  
False-Mamoru sighed. "You don't believe me, do you?"  
  
Usagi quickly shook her head, fearing for her life. "No, I believe you," she lied. "Please, tell  
me more!"  
  
"And so anyway, I'm really gay. But when I saw you in the arcade this morning, I realized  
that this Mamoru guy is really attracted to you. He's hard for you. I think he might even be  
in love with you. Now, I don't normally go for girls, it's not like me to act like this at all, and I  
do have a significant other, but like I said, I do have this Mamoru guy's body now, so will you  
kiss me already?" False-Mamoru then leaned back, satisfied with his speech and hoping for  
Odango smoochies.  
  
The next thing he knew, he was seeing stars. He looked up, barely able to make out  
anything in his new dark pretty vision, and saw Usagi sitting before him, fists still clenched.  
She looked mad as hell.  
  
"How DARE you? You stupid, stupid Mamoru-baka!"  
  
"Does that mean I'm not getting kissed?" False-Mamoru asked dizzily.  
  
"Of course not!" Usagi spat. "Did you think you could erase the months torturing me and  
your stupid, unlovable personality with some crazy body-switching story and incredibly  
twisted words of love? Well, I'm not falling for it! I already have a man I love, and he's MUCH  
NICER THAN YOU!!" With that parting shot, she reached over, pressed the button to unlock  
the car doors, and stormed away.  
  
She thought she had seen the last of False-Mamoru. Was she ever wrong...  
  
***  
  
Usagi was fast asleep, dreaming of bunnies and pink happy clouds and Tuxedo Kamen and  
Motoki, when a noise suddenly woke her up. Was it already morning? No. On closer  
inspection, it was still the middle of the night. But there was some horrible yowling sound  
penetrating the silence. Usagi frowned irritably. Whoever was disturbing her sleep was going  
to PAY!  
  
She opened her window and leaned her head out, and growled at the sight that greeted her.  
False-Mamoru had situated himself just under her window, and held a sickly-looking bouquet  
of flowers. And he was... SERENADING HER??!  
  
"Please come back to me, my love!" he howled in an only remotely musical fashion. "I love  
you. I want you! I NEEEEED YOU! I NEEEEEED YOU! Please come back to me! Withooout you,  
the nights are cold and lonely! It's winter all the tiiiime, withooout you! I NEEEEEED YOU!"  
  
"Mamoru-baka!" Usagi screamed, madder than she had ever been in her life. "SHUT UP!"  
  
False-Mamoru briefly stopped singing and pouted very visibly. "Don't you like my singing,  
Odango?"  
  
"NO!" Usagi shrieked emphatically.  
  
False-Mamoru's pout deepened. "But I saw this movie on TV. The hero did this to the girl,  
and she fell into his arms, swooning!"  
  
"SHUT UP, MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO HEAR!" Usagi shrieked desperately. "AND YOU'RE NOT  
MY HERO! GO AWAY!"  
  
"No!" Mamoru called. "Makenai! I will never give up!" Without further ado, he continued his  
song. "Come back to me, please, please, PLEEEEASE! I love you! I want you! I NEEEED YOU!  
I NEEEEEED YOU! Withooout you, I can't live! I NEEEEEED YOU! I love you, I want you, come  
back to meeeeee! Withooout you... Withoooout you! I NEEEEED YOU! Don't leave me now!  
I NEE-EEE-EEE-EE-EEE-EEE-EEED YOOOOU! I NEE-EE-EEEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EE-EEEEEEE-EE-  
EE-EEE-E-EE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OW!!"  
  
Usagi giggled. Quite heavy her old ballet trophy was. And she did have quite good aim from  
being Sailor Moon. Giggling more, she threw down another an incredibly heavy object and  
was rewarded by the silence, only broken by another "OW!" That should do it, then.  
  
Unfortunately not. Still abiding by his slogan of "Makenai!", False-Mamoru continued, a bit  
more unsteadily than before. "I NEEEEED YOU, NEEEED YOU, NEEEEEEEED- OW! OW! OW!  
GOD!" Usagi burst into full-fledged laughter. Bet he hadn't been expecting the miniature  
piano.  
  
"OKAY! OKAY! I'M GOING!" False-Mamoru called, sounding offended. "But I will never forget  
my love for you!"  
  
Usagi giggled some more, before closing her window, flopping back down on her bed, before  
falling into some much deserved sleep.  
  
~The Dark Kingdom~  
  
  
"No, there's nothing I'm not telling you," False-Zoisite chuckled nervously. "Why would I hide  
anything from YOU, Kunzaito-sama?" The worst were flat, without feeling.  
  
Kunzite sighed. Something was off, but he couldn't place it. In his experience, it was best to  
just let these kind of things go. Everyone had off days, he decided. And Zoisite definitely  
was an "everyone," though he himself wasn't.  
  
"Very well, then, Zoisite," Kunzite said, eyes glinting with a combination of confusion,  
amusement, and something else, that False-Zoisite was in firm denial over. "If you're quite  
done your comical activities, let's go to what we came here for, shall we?"  
  
False-Zoisite shifted uncomfortably. Then all of a sudden he was struck by inspiration. "Yes!"  
he cried, thrusting his right hand up. "I do love chess, don't you, Kunzite-sama?"  
  
"I don't mean chess!" Kunzite explained. "God, Zoi, you are so obtuse." The last part wasn't  
said as an insult, but rather an endearing statement. Kunzite took the smaller man's  
shoulders and leaned forward towards False-Zoisite...  
  
Who jumped back, red and stammering. "Um, heh. Heh, heh. Heh." He grappled for something  
to say. "Kunzaito-samaaaaaa! How 'bout them Bulls, huh?" He said brightly, then shot his  
body's trademark innocent grin.  
  
Kunzite's eyebrow's rose, and he pressed up against his lover. "Aren't you in the mood, Zoi-  
chan?" he asked, voice low and husky.  
  
False- Zoisite quickly shuffled back, pressed himself against the wall, and fumbled for a  
reply. "I'd rather read, actually. Are there any books here?" he called out, fiddling,  
desperate, incredibly lamely.  
  
The Ice King's mouth was partly open, and he looked very annoyed with his fellow king. Then  
he waved his hand, magic crackling. A second later, his eyes opened, wide with  
understanding. "That's why you've been acting so weirdly," Kunzite declared. "That's why  
you've been avoiding me, and why you couldn't teleport. You're not Zoisite."  
  
"Of course I'm Zoisite!" False-Zoisite declared brightly. "See! Check out the body! I mean, I  
have to be the shortest full-grown male alive!"  
  
Kunzite actually ROLLED HIS EYES at this statement, then without warning, magical tendrils  
coiled out from his eyes, slammed False-Zoisite against the wall. "Ow!" False-Zoisite cried.  
Then his voice seemed to deepen and his whole form seemed to become more regal,  
honorable, and heroic. Kunzite frowned. Who did Zoi remind him of? Then False-Zoisite  
spoke.  
  
"I won't tell you anything! You'll have to kill me first."  
  
Honestly. So many people didn't understand the Ice King's true power. He focused his  
magical energies, and then he knew whose spirit was in his lover's body.  
  
***  
  
Five minutes later: "Kunzite-sama? Can you stop puking in the toilet and let me down?  
  
Ten minutes later: "Okay, you're still puking, but that's... perfectly understandable! It's not  
like I'm judging you or anything!"  
  
Twenty minutes later: "I take it that you found out who I really am, but there's no reason to  
overreact so much! Besides, have some pity for the waste-collecting youma! Do you really think  
they want to know the contents of a Tennou's breakfast that much?"  
  
Thirty minutes later: Kunzite straightened up, spit the throw-up taste out of his mouth, and  
pushed the trash can away. However, he still kept his expression of total nausea.  
  
"Yesssss!" False-Zoisite shouted. "Finally!"  
  
Kunzite's face showed true horror. Finally, he managed to choke something out. "I tried to  
kiss TUXEDO KAMEN!"  
  
"Yeah, it was really disgusting," False-Zoisite said helpfully. "Now can you let me down?"  
  
Kunzite finally seemed to regain his composure. He strode forward, letting silver energy  
flicker across his hands in a deliberate, menacing display. "What did you do to Zoisite?"  
  
False-Zoisite shrugged. "Beats me. I went to sleep one night, woke up in this body."  
  
Kunzite's eyes flashed, then he looked disgusted. "You're telling the truth."  
  
"And that leaves us in our rather precarious current situation, doesn't it?" False-Zoisite said,  
eyes narrowing keenly. "You have Tuxedo Kamen, enemy of the Dark Kingdom at your mercy.  
But if you kill me now, you'd have to kill this body, and your snuggle bunny Zoisite would be  
stuck in my own body. Not a situation I think either of us would be too fond of." Kunzite  
nodded, recognizing good sense.  
  
"So," False-Zoisite continued, "Here's my proposal. You let me down. Together, we figure  
out what happened. We find Zoisite in my body, switch us back, then I get to go away.  
Freely."  
  
Kunzite didn't hesitate. "Deal," he said.  
  
"How do I know you'll keep it?" False-Zoisite asked.  
  
Suddenly, an all-too-familiar voice boomed in their heads. "KUNZITE! ZOISITE! STOP  
WHATEVER NC-17 ACTIVITIES YOU'RE DOING AND GET YOUR SORRY ASSES DOWN HERE!"  
  
"Beryl-sama," Kunzite whispered, voice reverent and fearful. With a wave of his hand, he  
released False-Zoisite from his magical bond, then teleported the two of them to Queen  
Beryl's throne room.  
  
When she became visible to them, it was clear she was much less happier than the last time  
they had seen her. Kunzite noted that she was clearly close to falling off the shaky precipice  
of sanity into the seething ocean of insanity-  
  
Wait, he had forgot who he was talking about. Kunzite remedied his mental statement, and  
made it much more accurate. 'She's clearly close to falling off the shaky precipice of  
Insanity, into the seething ocean of Even Greater Insanity.'  
  
"I'll make this quick," Beryl blurted, way-too-quickly, eyes darting around. "Metallia-sama.  
Was very clear. It should be quick."  
  
"Is she always like this?" False-Zoisite whispered to his fellow king. Kunzite put a finger to  
his lips in the universal symbol for quiet.  
  
"Metallia-sama's had a change of heart. She regrets stopping our operation even a little bit.  
Said something about feeling the power of the moon growing. Personally?" Beryl's eyes  
flashed sarcastically. "I think she's just paranoid-schizophrenic, myself." She let loose a  
burst of nervous giggles.  
  
"Queen Beryl has officially left the building," False-Zoisite whispered to Kunzite, and this time  
Kunzite didn't try to shush him. He had to agree.  
  
"So, you two are to immediately go after the fifth crystal. The carrier's name is Reika, and  
she's a brunette college student. Metallia-sama was so impatient she went ahead and found  
out the carrier for you." Beryl giggled once again, only even more unsteadily.  
  
"So, go, now! Oh, and when the Senshi and that meddlesome Tuxedo Kamen show up to try  
to claim it from you, overwhelm them, and take their nijizuishou. Once you've gotten the  
crystals, execute them all."  
  
  
TBC.  
  
Remember to review! :-) 


	5. Will you marry me, Odango?

Disclaimer- Sailormoon. It belongs to ME! My shrink says it doesn't, and so does everyone  
else, though... but I'm not insane! They all are!  
  
Author's Note- We move into more serious matters. But don't worry, plenty of comical  
mishaps soon to ensue! Keep those reviews coming!  
  
***  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Five  
  
  
Kunzite and False-Zoisite appeared in Kunzite and Zoisite's chambers. False-Zoisite flopped  
down onto the bed, confused beyond belief. "Okay, Kunzite-sama, what the hell are we  
going to do?"  
  
Kunzite's brow furrowed. "Beryl-sama's orders certainly do complicate things."  
  
"So?" False-Zoisite asked. He propped his chin up with his hand, awaiting Kunzite's response.  
Kunzite noted how odd it was. Despite it being Tuxedo Kamen in there, it felt like it was  
completely Zoi.  
  
"Well," the Ice King said slowly, "My assessment of the situation is that we continue on with  
the plans we established before. We go to the Earth Realm, find Zoisite in your body, and  
the three of us together try to figure out what happened and switch you two back. We're  
just going to have to ignore Beryl-sama's orders to search for the nijizuishou, and hope that  
she doesn't figure out what's going on."  
  
"Wow," False-Zoisite blinked. "You're smart. How come the sailor senshi always kick you  
guys' asses?"  
  
Kunzite sighed, annoyed. "Zoi- no, Tuxedo Kamen, I suggest that we begin our course of  
action."  
  
"Of course," False-Zoisite agreed. "Teleport us there."  
  
Kunzite assented, and began to. But then False-Zoi suddenly stopped him. "Wait. Shouldn't  
we wear normal clothes?"  
  
"Yes," Kunzite agreed. He snapped his fingers, and they were both clad in t-shirts and jeans.  
Kunzite's T-shirt was grey, and False-Zoisite's was green. False-Zoi noted that while he  
looked natural, Kunzite looked strange and awkward. And...  
  
"Um, Kunzite-sama?" False-Zoi began hesitantly. "I don't know how often you and Zoisite go  
to Tokyo, but I speak from experience here, because I kind of live there. And guys there  
generally don't go around wearing capes. Especially with jeans."  
  
"You're one to talk," Kunzite retorted, angry at having his much-loved cape insulted. "When  
you're in your own body, Kamen, you have a cape."  
  
"But I don't wear it all the time," False-Zoisite informed him. "I mean, obviously, I'm not  
Tuxedo Kamen all the time. I'm usually just a normal guy. And you're my enemy and trying to  
kill me normally so why am I telling you all this?"  
  
Kunzite smirked. "Maybe because you're starting to feel some of the-" his hand snaked down  
to an unmentionable place- "intimacy-" it snaked down further- "Zoi-chan and I share."   
  
False-Zoisite jumped about twenty feet back, scarlet red, though Zoisite's body had  
suddenly become as horny as hell. Kunzite sat on the bed, cool and reserved as you please.  
  
Bastard.  
  
"Um, heh heh... less with the naughty touching, more with the mission, like you said,  
maybe?" False-Zoisite panted, nervous.  
  
Kunzite smirked again. Damn icy BASTARD. "If that's what you want, Zoi-chan." Then he  
walked up to where False-Zoi was cowering, took him by the green-clad shoulder, and they  
teleported into the Earth Realm.  
  
In the middle of the busy streets of Tokyo. And there was a bus, heading straight for them.  
  
"Gah!" False-Zoi shrieked. Kunzite rolled his eyes, and they reappeared on the sidewalk. The  
passerby didn't even stop, completely uninterested. They saw short-skirted teenage girls  
battle monsters daily. There was nothing left to surprise them.  
  
"So," Kunzite asked, sounding bored, "Where do you think your body would be at this time?"  
  
False-Zoisite shrugged. "It's not my personality. It's Zoisite in there. You're the one who  
knows him." Kunzite got a funny look on his face. "So, where would he be? I mean, you  
should know? You are his lover."  
  
Kunzite frowned. "I think that..." he shook his head. "I don't know."  
  
False-Zoisite sighed. "Well, can you use your magic to track him?"  
  
"I guess I can," Kunzite said. "It will be a bit harder because his self and body have different  
identities, but I think I can manage."  
  
"Well, then I guess you should do that," False-Zoisite said pointedly.  
  
"You are incredibly unpleasant to work with, and I will be ecstatic when Zoisite is back in  
there," Kunzite growled.  
  
False-Zoisite smirked. "Aw, you're just cranky 'cause I'm not giving you sex."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
***  
  
Usagi walked into Ms. Haruna's homeroom, lugging her school bag. For once, she was  
actually on time, maybe even a little bit early. She was very happy about it. She should  
have remembered Murphy's Law (even though she had no idea who Murphy was and what  
kind of law he'd make) and realized something would go wrong.  
  
She walked over to her desk, dragging her bag of books with her. She glanced over at a  
giggling Naru, then realized something was horribly off. Her chair wasn't empty as it should  
be. It was occupied by Chiba Mamoru.  
  
"Ah! Odango!" False-Mamoru exclaimed regally. He jumped to his feet and bowed. "My love!"  
  
Usagi's eyes widened. What the hell was Mamoru-baka doing? And her whole class was  
seeing it, too! "Go away, Mamoru-baka!"  
  
"Don't be so mean to him, Usagi-chan," Naru said reprovingly. "He may be Mamoru-baka, but  
he still is totally hot."  
  
"Yeah," another girl chimed in. "Usagi, you're lucky! Don't waste it."  
  
False-Mamoru sent Usagi his most charming smile. "Please, Odango Atama. Just give me a  
chance, and you'll see that I'm really someone you could learn to love." Aside from the  
Odango Atama part, it was a direct quote from a romantic movie he'd seen on TV last night.  
  
"No!" Usagi shouted. "You're stupid! I don't like you!" She turned her head away from False-  
Mamoru, but she could feel her resolve weakening. It was all because of how he'd worn  
those leather pants again...  
  
False-Mamoru put a hand to his heart, the appearance of hurt and shock. "Don't say that!"  
he called out, and then he got to his knees before her. "Odango Atama, will you marry me?"  
he belted out dramatically. Inwardly giggling. Oh Metallia-sama, this was so FUN, to be able  
to not have to worry about anything. No shiny crystals and evil bitch queens chopping off  
your head.  
  
Usagi gaped at him, speechless. "Oh my god..." she breathed, completely shocked. On the  
other side of the room, she could see Ami and Makoto, staring, also looking thrown.  
  
"Please..." False-Mamoru said, and he could feel that something in him meant those words.  
There was something about this silly, inconsequential little girl, who he'd pursued for his own  
amusement, just because of his body, even though he didn't even LIKE girls. There was  
something THERE, something, something that could make him worthy, and complete, and-  
and- important....  
  
It wasn't love, or physical attraction, or anything silly like that. It wasn't even redemption  
that this girl could offer him. It was acceptance.  
  
He sighed, and inwardly he was rolling on the floor. He wondered if she'd make a pretty  
corpse. "What's your answer, Odango..."  
  
***  
  
"Where are you taking us?" False-Zoisite asked.  
  
"I've pinpointed Zoisite in your body to a specific location," Kunzite explained. "I've locked in  
on it, and I can teleport us there now."  
  
"Okay," False-Zoisite nodded. "Now."  
  
Silver light flashed before their eyes, and then they were in a classroom, obviously junior  
high or high school by the students that occupied it. Their teacher was standing near the  
door, giggling slightly. All the kids were gaping at some sight. Kunzite and False-Zoi both  
peered to see what it was, then they both froze at the sight that greeted them.  
  
At the center of attention was a short, blonde, blue-eyed schoolgirl, wide-eyed and  
innocent. A handsome, dark-haired, strong-looking man, obviously Tuxedo Kamen's human  
form, knelt before her, face tilted up towards her.  
  
"Will you marry me, Odango?" they heard False-Mamoru's voice ring out clearly. "What's your  
answer?"  
  
False-Zoi gaped, uncomprehending. His foe and the Odango Atama? "No. Fucking. Way." He  
allowed himself that indulgence, then glanced at his white-haired companion. The Ice King  
was silent. False-Zoisite quickly glanced around, then grabbed Kunzite and pulled him out of  
the room before they could be spotted.  
  
"I don't understand," Kunzite said quietly. "Zoisite..."  
  
"The girl, the one he called Odango?" False-Zoisite broke in. "I know her. Her name's Usagi.  
We were mortal enemies."  
  
Kunzite's voice was laced with bitterness. "Did you love her, too?"  
  
"Zoisite can't mean his offer," False-Zoisite said. "I mean, he's probably just doing it for a  
joke or something, right?" He bit his lip. "Or maybe to hurt her. I know just from fighting him  
that he was sadistic. Maybe he thought-"  
  
False-Zoisite stopped and watched, breath held, as Kunzite left him and walked into Ms.  
Haruna's homeroom. He peered around the edge of the wall. Kunzite was crossing, looking  
strangled, and then he leaned over and cleared his throat.  
  
False-Mamoru got up, swirled, and saw Kunzite. The look on his face was quite comical.  
"Kunzite-sama?"  
  
"Who's this, Mamoru-baka?" Usagi asked doubtfully. She was just too confused by then.  
  
"Kamen in your body and I came. Beryl-sama ordered us to find the nijizuishou, but we had  
to switch you two back first, so I, located you, and-" The words tumbled out of Kunzite, and  
he bit his lip, facing Tuxedo Kamen's body, but he knew it was Zoisite, could tell by the way  
he tilted his head, the way he bit his lip, the way he said Kunzite-sama, the way those eyes  
sparkled. It didn't matter that they were midnight blue instead of their normal gorgeous, vivid  
emerald green.  
  
False-Mamoru shrugged. "Ano, okay. Can't wait to get back in my body."  
  
"Then what was-" Kunzite jabbed his hand in Usagi's direction.  
  
"Okay, what in the world is going on!" Usagi shouted.  
  
Ms. Haruna was suddenly at her side. She faced False-Mamoru and Kunzite. "Excuse me,  
sirs, but you'll have to be going. Now."  
  
"No," Kunzite said firmly. "You can't tell me what to do."  
  
"I certainly can," the teacher said, face reddening. "This is my classroom, and if I say you  
will get out, you'll get out! NOW! And Usagi, go with them! If you want to bring your freak  
male friends to class, you soon won't have a class to bring them to!"  
  
Usagi winced, then, having had experience with Ms. Haruna's true wrath, took False-  
Mamoru's arm and dragged him out of the classroom. Kunzite followed, looking doubtful.  
Then, Usagi closed the door behind them. "Okay, Mamoru-baka, and whoever you are," she  
said, pointing to Kunzite, "Why do you have to ruin my life?" she moaned, breaking off. "It's  
not like things aren't hard enough..."  
  
"What problems could you have? You're just some preppy blonde ditz," Kunzite said coldly,  
eyes flicking between her and False-Mamoru. False-Mamoru didn't appear to care how his  
lover was treating the girl he'd just proposed to, rolling his eyes, looking bored, and checking  
Chiba-san's watch.  
  
False-Zoi stepped out from his hiding place. "Kunzite-sama? Have you found him yet?"   
  
Several things happened at this point. Kunzite remained unmoved, but False-Mamoru gaped  
at the sight of Tuxedo Kamen in his own body. This was nothing, however, to Usagi's  
reaction. The Odango Atama let out a long, high-pitched shriek. "Oh my god. ZOISITE?"  
  
Her eyes darted around after this remarkable pronouncement. "Mamoru-baka, and you,  
Kunnie or whatever your name is. Run. You don't know what you're dealing with. He's  
dangerous!"  
  
Neither of them ran. Instead, all three of them stared at the small blonde girl in their midst,  
both False-Zoisite's and False-Mamoru's jaws dropping to the ground. Kunzite, however, was  
calm. His eyes narrowed, and he stared at Usagi penetratingly.  
  
"You. Girl. How do you know who Zoisite is?"  
  
TBC.  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	6. Oh, degradation! Oh, humiliation! Oh, DE...

Disclaimer- Sailormoon is Takeuchi-sama's. SIGH.  
  
Author's Note- Thanks for all the nice reviews! Keep 'em coming! This is the part where Ami  
and Makoto start playing a larger role. This chapter is mostly dialogue, establishing the  
situation and furthering the plot. I'll try to continue updating this story at a fairly  
consistent rate.  
  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Six  
  
  
  
"You. Girl. How do you know who Zoisite is?"  
  
Usagi sweatdropped and face-faulted, very heavily. She quickly recovered, however, though  
not very well. What could she say? She certainly couldn't tell them that she was Sailor  
Moon.  
  
"I've... met him before?" Usagi offered lamely. She winced. God, why did she have to be so  
stupid?  
  
False-Mamoru crossed his arms. "Uh-uh. I've never met you, Odango." He hadn't ever met  
her as ZOISITE, that is.  
  
Usagi's eyes widened. "You jerk! A few minutes ago, you were proposing marriage to me! Are all  
men this insensitive!" She bashed him over the head, just for good measure.  
  
Kunzite sighed. This girl was definitely no rocket scientist. She had completely missed the  
connection between Mamoru and Zoisite. But how did she know Zoi in the first place? He  
opened his mouth to ask again.  
  
"My academic future is over!" he suddenly heard a distinctly female voice wail. Two girls walked  
out the door, one with blue hair, one tall and brunette. The brunette appeared to be comforting  
the blue-haired one, who was heartbroken somehow.  
  
"There, there, Ami-chan," the brunette said in a dull monotone. She wasn't entirely sure  
what to say to her. She hadn't known Ami as long as Rei or Usagi had, and honestly wasn't  
sure what would make the girl feel better.  
  
"No!" Ami shrieked. "I got kicked out! Into the hallway! Oh, degradation! Oh, humiliation! Oh,  
DESPAIR!"  
  
Ami really did have a melodramatic streak, didn't she?  
  
"It's okay, Ami-chan," Mako said, patting her on the back awkwardly. "Let it go. It happens  
to everyone."  
  
Suddenly, Ami rounded on her. "It's all YOUR fault, Makoto-chan!" she cried passionately.  
"It's all because YOU passed that note to me! You're the one who got me in trouble. I'm  
blameless! Oh, horrible tragedy!"  
  
"Oh, come off it, Ami-chan," Mako muttered. "Deal." Suddenly, she noticed some white-  
haired guy, Usagi, Mamoru, and Zoisite all staring at the two of them. She winced  
apologetically. "Sorry," Mako called to them. She gestured to Ami. "She's mental. It  
happens."  
  
Suddenly, Makoto did a double take. Usagi, Mamoru, and Zoisite. Zoisite? "Oh my god.  
ZOISITE?"  
  
Ami turned, still sniffling, then her blue eyes got wide and her mouth flapped open. "Mako-  
chan, we should run. We're not transformed," she whispered, academic failure forgotten.  
  
"But what about Usagi-chan?" Makoto whispered, gesturing to their friend in the midst of the  
three guys.  
  
"Mamoru-san," Ami asked slowly, "What are you doing with Zoisite?"  
  
Kunzite sighed. He hated being ignored. He was a guy in jeans wearing a CAPE, for god's sake! And  
he was the Ice King! The highest-ranked of the Shitennou (no actually, more like the Nitennou,  
but whatever.)  
  
False-Mamoru's brow furrowed. "Do I know you guys?" he asked. And the brunette did look  
vaguely familiar to him. All of a sudden he realized from where. "Hey! You're the one who hit  
me in the face!" he exclaimed, pointing at Makoto.  
  
Makoto reddened. "Hey! I never hit you, Mamoru-san!"  
  
All of a sudden, everything became clear to Ami. "Oh. Now I understand," she declared. She  
stood up and waited until she had everyone's attention. "Mamoru-san is in Zoisite's body,"  
she pointed to False-Zoisite, "And Zoisite is in Mamoru-san's body."  
  
Blink.  
  
Blink.  
  
Blink.  
  
"Who else finds this girl scary?" Kunzite asked idly. Zoisite and Mamoru both raised their  
hands. Usagi and Makoto, however, were staring, shocked. People seemed to be doing that a  
lot lately.  
  
"Oh my god, oh god, oh god!" Usagi shrieked. "Zoisite asked me out! Zoisite PROPOSED to  
me!"  
  
"Hey, I was just fooling around," False-Mamoru said, sounding offended. "It didn't mean  
anything. I already have my Kunzite-sama." He leaned on the white-haired man, who looked  
at Tuxedo Kamen's body dubiously.  
  
"Oh, god," Makoto breathed. "Usagi and... Zoisite?" Then her gaze flicked to Kunzite and  
False-Mamoru. "Hey, Mamoru-san, are you gay?" she called.  
  
"No! I most certainly am not gay!" Those words really didn't sound as convincing coming from  
False-Zoisite's mouth.  
  
Ami whipped out her mini-computer, pointed it at Kunzite, then read it. The dark magic  
readings were off the charts. "Oh, wow," she whispered. Then she grabbed Makoto and  
Usagi's arms. "Now we must be going. We do have classes, everyone. Heh. Heh." Makoto  
and Usagi, who were both staring at False-Mamo and False-Zoi, were completely unresisting.  
  
"ZOISITE proposed to me..." Usagi trailed off, shocked.  
  
"Zoisite proposed to Usagi..." Makoto said dully.  
  
"No," Kunzite said regally. He waved his hand, and they were magically bound where they  
stood. "How do you know Zoisite?"  
  
"Mamoru in Zoisite's body... Zoisite in Mamoru's..." Makoto whispered. "Oh my god."  
  
Ami, always the intelligent one, managed to get her sense back and come up with a good lie.  
"This is embarrassing to say, but we spied on him once when he was fighting the sailor senshi. I  
was quite curious, it was all my fault. I'm very interested in magic, you see." Her gaze flicked  
to Kunzite. "You're using magic on us now, aren't you? I'd appreciate it if you let us go."  
  
"ZOISITE proposed to me..." Usagi continued, shocked.  
  
Kunzite scowled. Something about her story just didn't ring true, but it was perfectly  
credible, and there was no way to prove it wrong. "Very well. We'll be going now. Come on,  
Mamoru, Zoisite."  
  
Makoto: "Mamoru in Zoisite's body, Zoisite in Mamoru's..."  
  
"Mamoru-san, how do YOU know Zoisite?" Ami asked. She knew she should try to escape, but her  
curiousity overwhelmed her common sense. "I can tell from your behavior that you do."  
  
Blink.  
  
Blink.  
  
Blink.  
  
"Okay, this girl is just too smart," False-Mamoru declared, tilting his head up at Kunzite in a  
rather disturbing fashion.  
  
"It can't be natural," False-Zoisite agreed. "I always thought that. And also, why would  
someone so smart want to be a friend of the Odango Atama's? It makes you wonder, doesn't it?"  
  
Usagi: "ZOISITE proposed to me..."  
  
Makoto: "Mamoru and Zoisite switched bodies. That's... WOW."  
  
"How do you know Zoisite, Mamoru?" Ami repeated.  
  
Usagi: "ZOISITE proposed to me..."  
  
Both False-Mamoru and False-Zoisite answered at the same time.  
  
False-Mamoru- "I don't know this body. I just got plunked into it." He told the truth,  
shrugging.  
  
False-Zoisite- "Zoisite bumped into me on the street." He lied.  
  
"But I mean, Mamoru-baka, and, and Zoisite," Makoto stammered. "Wow."  
  
"Yeah, REAL believable," Ami said, rolling her eyes. They thought they could fool her? Their  
stories weren't even the same.  
  
"Are you sure it would be a good idea to get us mad, little girl?" Kunzite asked, eyes  
narrowing at the blue-haired brain.  
  
Usagi: "ZOISITE proposed to me..."  
  
Ami giggled nervously. She had forgotten herself. "No, I don't think it is. But you have to  
admit, it's a legitimate question."  
  
"Why don't you take care of your friends instead, Ami or whatever your name is," False-  
Zoisite said nervously. "They don't seem to be absorbing your revelation very well."  
  
Makoto: "Mamoru in Zoisite's body. They switched. How could this happen? Zoisite in Mamoru's  
body?"  
  
"Kunzite-sama," False-Mamoru said, and leaned closer to Kunzite. Kunzite leaned  
subsequently away. It was weird. He knew it was Zoisite in there, but it was Tuxedo Kamen  
that he saw treating him like they slept together. "Their story isn't true. I remember the tall  
brunette girl. What did they call her. Oh, yeah, Makoto."  
  
Makoto: "ZOISITE PROPOSED TO USAGI..."  
  
Kunzite turned to False-Mamoru. "What? How did you meet her?"  
  
"Back when I was going after the first nijizuishou carrier, she defended him against me. She  
hit me in the face-" False-Mamoru pouted at this- "then took the guy and ran."  
  
Usagi: "ZOISITE proposed to me..."  
  
Ami turned pale at this. Kunzite pushed False-Mamoru away, and closed in on her. She  
desperately wanted to back away, but her legs were held in place. Come on, Ami-chan, she  
told herself. Be brave. Be strong. Be a worthy senshi.  
  
"Have you been lying to us, brainy little girl?"  
  
If they found out the three of them were the senshi, this Kunzite guy would kill them without  
a thought. Neither False-Mamoru and False-Zoisite seemed that interested in the  
proceedings, either.   
  
"Hey, how do you know me, anyway? I thought you were just some normal guy," False-  
Mamoru asked, puzzled.  
  
False-Zoisite sighed, then threw caution to the winds. "I'm not. I'm Tuxedo Kamen."  
  
False-Mamoru's face contracted in disgust. "Oh, my god! Ew! Ew! EW! OH MY GOD, GET ME  
OUT OF THIS BODY!" He began to claw at his body in disgust. "Get me out!"  
  
"What a spaz," False-Zoisite rolled his eyes. "I can't believe YOU'RE my enemy."  
  
"Oh, by the way, that Motoki guy says hi," False-Mamoru said casually. "And your second-  
period history class. Especially the teacher, Mr. Hartman. I made quite an impression. You  
know, Kamen, your life is really lame. I can't believe my main rival has such a sucky existence.  
But to be fair, I did liven it up a little for you."  
  
"What did you do?" False-Zoisite asked frantically. What was he going to have to face when he got  
back to his own life?  
  
"Nothing that bad," False-Mamoru said dismissively. "Mainly for the past few days I've just  
been sexually harassing the Odango Atama."  
  
"Oh my god," False-Zoisite breathed. "My life. Is over."  
  
All of a sudden, they heard a loud, scratchy female voice that was all too familiar. "Why?  
What's wrong, Zoisite? You and Kunzite ARE working on finding my nijizuishou, AREN'T YOU?"  
  
Kunzite looked up from menacing a squeaking Ami. "Queen Beryl-sama?" he asked,  
incredulous. This was all like some sort of horrible nightmare. Either that, or one of those  
laughable human 'soap operas.'  
  
"Yes, it's me!" Indeed, a hologram projection of the queen stood before the six people. They  
all reacted in different ways.  
  
Makoto stared at the woman, shocked, then her common sense kicked in. Her gaze darted  
around, torn between fight or flee. She couldn't tell that Queen Beryl was just a projected  
message.  
  
Ami looked up, purely curious, and then whipped out her computer and began to type  
furiously. God, had that girl been born without the human survival instinct?  
  
Kunzite turned red, freaked, worried, then quickly composed himself to address their queen.  
If he lost it and betrayed their problem, and the fact that they were openly disobeying her  
orders, they were done for. That would be it for him and Zoisite, and probably for Tuxedo  
Kamen and the three annoying, suspicious schoolgirls, too, though he didn't really care about  
the latter four.  
  
Usagi stopped her dull mantra, looked up, saw the huge, tall, spiky, scary bitch queen looming  
above her, then had the typical ditzy Usagi response, and in truth the only appropriate one.  
She fainted dead away.  
  
False-Mamoru grimaced and hid his face in Kunzite's cape. This was a much harder feat than  
it had been in his body, seeing how much closer they were in height now.  
  
False-Zoisite took one look at her, then peed his pants.  
  
"Of course we'll find your nijizuishou, Queen Beryl-sama," Kunzite quickly replied. "We're  
looking for the carrier right now. We're currently questioning these local girls." He gestured  
to Usagi, Ami, and Makoto.  
  
The part about the questioning wasn't too credible, however, because Usagi was lying on the  
ground unconscious, Ami was typing in her computer, paying no particular reverence or concern to  
Kunzite or False-Zoi at all. And Makoto? Despite being bound by Kunzite's spell, she was still  
trying to run like hell. Kunzite's glance flicked over them nervously, but he waited to see if  
his queen would buy it.  
  
Luckily, she actually did. She sighed, fidgeted. Queen Beryl had officially gone over the deep  
end, Kunzite thought idly. Good news for him. "Okay, then," she said, "But hurry. Metallia-sama's  
waiting."  
  
The hologram flickered off, and Kunzite sighed, glared at False-Mamoru and False-Zoisite.  
God, the two enemies were completely useless. "What are we going to do now?"  
  
TBC.  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	7. Yeah! You have a really cute ass, Kamen!

Disclaimer- This story, mine. Sailor Moon, Takeuchi-sama's. Pretty simple, isn't it?  
  
Author's Note- Another plot-filled chapter. Again, sorry about the slightly long time between  
updates. Don't forget to review and tell me what you thought of the most recent installment!  
If you want to read one of my more serious works, I suggest Sailor Moon Enchanted, which  
is my real masterpiece, and the story I care for most. After that cheap plug, on with the  
story!  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
  
Kunzite, False-Zoisite, and False-Mamoru strode out the doors of the junior high together,  
making a surprisingly aesthetically pleasing picture, with Kunzite in the center, tall and  
masculine, his long white hair and matching cape flaring out behind him. False-Mamoru didn't  
seem quite as natural. He seemed somehow strange, so despite his impressive form, he  
seemed like something great crammed into something lesser.  
  
Especially because of how he was semi-macking on the increasingly uncomfortable white-  
haired guy.  
  
Where was False-Zoisite throughout all of this? He was at least a meter away from Kunzite  
and his body, face an unflattering red, laughing nervously. "No, really," he babbled to no one  
in particular. "I don't know those two. I just happen to be walking near them. But we're not  
acquainted at all."  
  
Suddenly, he took another glance at the said two. "Hey!" False-Zoi called. "Zoisite, get my  
body off Kunzite!"  
  
"Yes, please," Kunzite muttered.  
  
False-Mamoru pouted but backed away from Kunzite slightly. "Fine," he said sulkily. It didn't  
sound very natural in this new, deep voice though.  
  
Kunzite sighed. "Let's not get mad, any of us. At least we got rid of those three insufferable  
little girls."  
  
"They were hard to drive away," False-Zoisite observed.  
  
"Of course they were," False-Mamoru chirped, looking to repay old humiliations. "After all,  
the Odango Atama lurrrrrrves me!"  
  
False-Zoisite glared, then crossed past Kunzite and shoved False-Mamoru. The other man  
didn't even stumble back, just grinned at him. "You think you can take me now, Kamen?  
Little guy? Mamoru-CHAN?" False-Mamoru sing-songed.  
  
False-Zoisite gritted his teeth but said nothing. False-Mamoru was right. The Zoisite that he  
had fought had been a worthy opponent only because of his magical skills (which he had  
none of now.) Physically, this body was USELESS.  
  
"Can we stay on task here?" Kunzite's voice cut in to his wallowing.  
  
"Sorry, Kunzite-sama," False-Mamoru said, hanging his head. All the confidence and bravado  
he'd displayed before was gone.  
  
Whoa, Mamoru realized with a start. Zoisite's WHIPPED. Who would have THOUGHT?  
  
"So who's the nijizuishou carrier again, Kunzite-sama?" False-Mamoru asked, tilting his head  
up at the other general worshipfully.  
  
"Nishimura Reika," Kunzite replied. "College student." False-Mamoru nodded, taking it in  
coolly, uninterested, but False-Zoisite stopped walking suddenly, mouth hanging open. False-  
Mamoru and Kunzite stopped also and stared at him, annoyed.  
  
"What is it, Kamen-baka?" False-Mamoru asked, annoyed.  
  
False-Mamoru turned to look at them. "Nishimura Reika? I know her?"  
  
"What?" False-Mamoru snickered. "Was she your girlfriend? Because if she was, she probably  
isn't now, or at least she's incredibly pissed at you and me and Odango."  
  
Kunzite cut in immediately, recognizing the need for compromise. They needed Kamen's  
cooperation. "We'll go, get the nijizuishou. I'll keep it, and Kamen and I will present to Beryl-  
sama."  
  
He saw False-Zoisite about to protest, and hurriedly continued. "As a compromise, we won't  
turn your friend Reika into a youma. We'll just extract the nijizuishou, which won't hurt her.  
Do you agree to those terms, Kamen?" he asked.   
  
False-Zoisite nodded. "Yeah. I guess those are fair."  
  
Kunzite continued, "Then, we'll find some way to switch you two back, and we'll just  
continue on with our lives and hopefully forget this incident."  
  
False-Zoisite looked like he was about to agree, but then his eyes fixed on False-Mamoru,  
and an eye occurred to him. "Wait!" he protested. "You know who I am now!"  
  
False-Mamoru rolled his eyes. "Tuxedo Kamen-baka, think." He didn't even think about the  
irony of referring to his own body as the masked superhero anymore. "So we know your  
secret identity. So what. You've infiltrated the Dark Kingdom and met Kunzite-sama and  
Beryl-sama, intentionally or unintentionally. We're on the same wavelength here."  
  
Both Kunzite and False-Zoi did a double take and stared at him, slack-jawed. False-Mamoru  
pouted and inspected his fingernails. "What, minna? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?"  
  
"It's just remarkably coherent for you," False-Zoi remarked. He was used to fighting a  
volatile, vain, attention-deficit airhead. This was different.  
  
"Hey, I have layers!" False-Mamoru protested. He lowered his voice, and his now midnight  
blue eyes flashed. "I AM a killer, just like Kunzite-sama. Just because I'm short or pretty  
doesn't mean you should just disregard me. It may be your last mistake."  
  
He grinned sweetly, ditzily, looked across at Kunzite and his own body standing there, his  
own eyes wide and innocent, and then drew Tuxedo Kamen's finger across Tuxedo Kamen's  
neck.  
  
There was an awkward silence. Then False-Zoi cleared his throat. "Wow," he remarked.  
"That was... menacing."  
  
Kunzite said nothing. He was unsure of how to treat Zoisite now. He was afraid he didn't  
understand the man he had thought he controlled so thoroughly. And anything he lost  
control of?  
  
He had to destroy.  
  
"So, um, Reika-san. We're looking for her," False-Zoi noted. "She'd be at her college right  
now. As I should be." He sighed. "I'll be in such deep shit when I get back in my own body."  
  
"Lead the way," False-Mamo said quietly, eyes still glinting.  
  
***  
  
"So, I mean, why her?" False-Zoi asked contemplatively. The two archenemies were a few  
meters ahead of the lagging Kunzite, walking next to each other in surprising companionship.  
"Why the Odango Atama?"  
  
"Well, you like her," False-Mamoru pointed out, a 'duh' evident in his voice.  
  
"Nuh uh," False-Zoi said quickly. "No. Way."  
  
"Come on," False-Mamoru urged him. "I could feel it from your body. Also, why else would  
you have been so upset about me hitting on her?"  
  
False-Zoisite sighed. "I've explained it like a thousand times. We hate each other. Odango  
and I? We're archenemies. Kind of like you and I, actually."  
  
"Oh," False-Mamoru giggled. "Maybe we should have gotten together and plotted against  
you, Kamen-san." False-Zoi shot him his best death glare, but it didn't really work as well on  
Zoi's slender, pale face. Instead, it looked like he was trying to seduce False-Mamoru. False-  
Mamoru giggled again at the sudden rush of imagery, even though it left him vaguely  
nauseated.  
  
"Seriously, though," False-Mamoru continued. "Odango? She wants you. Bad."  
  
"Really?" False-Zoisite asked, brow furrowing. "I don't believe you."  
  
"Really," False-Mamoru grinned. "You should have seen her when I wore these leather pants.  
You know, the black ones designed to be gone commando with?"  
  
False-Zoi's mouth made a little O. "You wore THOSE pants?"  
  
"Yeah," False-Mamoru said happily. "Your body looks really hot in them."  
  
"Dude... whoa, Kami," False-Mamoru blurted in a quite uncharacteristic fashion. All his calm  
intelligence and control was flopping away, and regressing to his slang-filled, insecure  
preteen years. It was Not Pretty.  
  
"You think I'm HOT?"  
  
"Uh-huh," False-Mamoru confirmed. "You have a nice face. Not to mention," he said,  
checking out his reflection in a nearby classroom window, "a really cute ass."  
  
"Oh, GOD!" False-Zoi cried, and buried his head in his hands. He could not believe he was  
having this discussion. With ZOISITE! (in his body, too!) "This is all like some horrible  
nightmare," he said despondently. "It all started when I woke up in the Dark Kingdom. Then  
it all went downhill from there."  
  
"This is such a nightmare," he moaned. False-Mamoru, unsurprisingly, was completely  
unsympathetic.  
  
"No it isn't," he protested. "It's been a lot of fun, for me anyway!"  
  
"I'm sure," False-Zoisite muttered. "Hitting on the girl I hate, ruining my life, and checking  
out my 'cute ass'!"  
  
"We aren't making any progress," Kunzite's voice cut in. Both False-Zoi and False-Mamoru  
looked up at him anxiously. The thought on both their faces was clear. How much of their  
conversation had he heard?  
  
"All of it," Kunzite murmured. Both men reddened, and Kunzite grinned. He hadn't heard any,  
but torturing them was fun. It was nice, having some fun once in a while.  
  
"Here," he proposed. "You two just wait. I'll find a computer database, use my magic to find  
out where Nishimura Reika's class is." Without further ado, he strode away from them, cape  
billowing majestically.  
  
"Do you love him?" False-Zoisite asked impulsively.  
  
False-Mamoru spun around, shocked, surprised, hurt, heart beating faster, and STUNNED  
that of ALL PEOPLE Tuxedo Fucking Kamen was the one finally asking him this.  
  
"Hell yeah," he said quietly. "So much it burns."  
  
False-Zoisite sighed. "You know, it seems like all of a sudden, nothing's simple like it was. It  
used to be so concrete, so black and white. I'm the good guy, you're the bad guys. We  
fight. If I win, I'm winning for love, and the protection puppies, and for the sake of justice,  
and all that. But now..." he looked down. "It's not."  
  
False-Mamoru looked up at him. "You know, Kamen, when we're not fighting, it's not too bad,  
hanging around you."  
  
"I guess that's what comes from switching sides," False-Zoi remarked bitterly.  
  
"I have it," Kunzite announced, sweeping back in. "Room 212 in the art complex. We're  
pretty close now. It will be class change time in a few minutes, but we're already in the art  
building, so we'll probably be able to catch Reika before she leaves."  
  
False-Mamoru and False-Zoisite followed him without a word, flanking each side like they had  
when they first started out. The bell rang just as they walked up to Room 212. Instantly,  
students began pouring out. Kunzite reached out magically for Reika's presence. She  
remained. He waited until he felt that she was alone, then signaled for them to go in.  
  
Satisfied, the three men strode in, ready to have Kunzite extract the nijizuishou and get on  
with their lives. There was only one problem with that otherwise very nice plan.  
  
The nijizuishou had already been taken.  
  
Standing above her, fourth nijizuishou in hand, was someone whose identity none of the  
three could mistake. False-Mamoru gaped, and he couldn't stop himself from letting out a  
very unmanly shriek.  
  
"NEPHRITE?"  
  
  
TBC.  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	8. Surprise Appearances

Disclaimer- Hi! I'm Starbrigid. -Smiles widely- What's YOUR name? What do YOU like to do? I,  
personally, get cheap thrills over exploiting the characters of Sailormoon, which do not  
belong to me, they belong to Takeuchi-sama, and, um... other people... and, most  
importantly, various slobbering rabid dogs who will eat me if they find out how eeeeevil I am!  
But until then, I'm still living large! -grins insanely- Onto the author's notes!  
  
Author's Notes- I've realized I can't update regularly. Still, I will be finishing this story. Please  
check for future installments after this, and don't forget to review. Also, did you like my  
disclaimer? I liked the imagery so much I used it for my BtVS story, OoTOoW, too! And I've  
dedicated to say hi to some of my reviewers of chapter seven, as you can see.  
  
Hatami- Thank you for your nice reviews! I'm sorry that I made you break your promise.  
Remember, this installment will still be here when you allow yourself to read fanfiction again!  
I don't want you to read this and feel bad.  
  
Soluna- Wow, dedicated reviewer here! Sorry it took so long to update. Hope this chapter  
resolves your question on Nephrite.  
  
Wingnut- What the zark? Cool phrasing, my friend.  
  
Creature of the Night- Cliffhangers ARE my specialty. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to  
stop that nasty little habit.  
  
Sarah- More funny situations, coming right up. :-)  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter 8  
  
  
"NEPHRITE?" False-Mamoru cried, astonised.  
  
Indeed, there he was, in the flesh, standing before the three of them. He wore his Dark  
Kingdom uniform, grey and gold, just like the last time Zoi had seen him before he croaked,  
despite his supposedly turning to the senshi's side. It was fully intact as well, not ripped as it  
had been before.  
  
"Masaka..." False-Mamoru breathed.  
  
Nephrite. His jaw clenched, threatening the urge to screw it all and break into completely  
unfounded, irrational tears. He remembered fighting with this man so many times, competing  
with him, and finally triumphing in his own, sneaky, dishonorable way. The man hadn't fallen  
by his hand, he had fallen by the hand of his youma, but they were HIS youma, they called  
him Zoisite-sama, HIM, so what did it matter?  
  
And now... well apparently, Zoi wasn't as firmly in his role as second-ranked Tennou as he  
had thought.   
  
The auburn haired man smiled triumphantly. "Hai, Zoisite. I see you still recognize me after all  
this time." His blue eyes flashed at False-Mamoru angrily, telling the man inside the body  
that the rivalry they had entertained for so long was far from over. The blue nijizuishou  
reflected prisms of light from his gloved hand, a lighter, clearer blue than his sinister eyes. All  
three men were still gaping at him. He glanced at the girl's body at his feet, felt a brief pang  
of guilt, then shoved her out of the way, smirking.  
  
"I see you thought you saw the last of me, Zoisite," he directed pointedly to False-Mamoru.  
"You were WRONG." Yeah, Zoi-CHAN. You fucked up again. How does that feel, huh? HUH? "I  
refuse to let you take my Naru-chan away from me. You didn't, and you can never!"  
  
False-Zoisite looked down and began to inspect his fingernails, an unconscious habit of his  
body. He had fought against Nephrite for a little while, but the man's appearance didn't  
startle him as much as it did the two Tennou, who had known the man for years and years.  
After all, he hadn't even BEEN at Nephrite's death, though he'd heard about. He sighed,  
marginally bored.  
  
"Osaka Naru, huh? What does getting her back have to do with switching Zoisite and I's  
bodies?"  
  
Nephrite winced slightly. Damn that infuriatingly intelligent Tuxedo Kamen. You know, with all  
the corny speeches he gave, one would expect his mind to be less quick than it was. "Well, I  
do need Naru. But Zoisite needed to suffer for all the evil he's caused, too." That had  
sounded a lot less corny in Nephrite's head. "I'm working on the Naru part next."  
  
Kunzite came to his senses at roughly that point. Nephrite was back, apparently not dead.  
Interesting, but still not alarming. Nephrite had never posed any sort of threat to him except  
to him through Zoisite. He stepped forward, commanding. He still remained the one in  
control, as always. "Enough of all this foolery. Nephrite, give me the girl's nijizuishou."   
  
Nephrite glared at Kunzite and gripped the nijizuishou in his hands tighter. "No, Kunzite. I'm  
not giving it to YOU." He was suddenly reduced before the other Tennou, it was obvious.  
Everyone seemed lesser in front of Kunzite.  
  
Kunzite laughed, derisively, pointedly, at Nephrite. "Silly little boy." Nephrite gritted his  
teeth. Zoisite was a BOY. Not HIM. "You truly believe that you could defeat me in a fight?"  
Kunzite continued, challengingly. Bring it on, his whole demeanor showed. I'll give you a  
beating you won't soon recover from.  
  
False-Mamo looked up, a thought suddenly occurring to him. "Hey. How can you be here,  
anyway, Neffy-baka?" It was a show of how shaken Nephrite was by Kunzite that despite all  
the circumstances, he didn't offer an angry reprimand at the 'Neffy-baka.'  
  
Nephrite instead chuckled nervously. "Uh, heh. Heh. You and Tuxedo-baka will be stuck in  
each other's bodies like that until you DIE."  
  
False-Mamo sighed. "Don't try to change the subject, Neffy-baka." He giggled lightly. "I can  
see being dead hasn't made you any less incompetent. How, I repeat, how are you here?  
You're dead! That fact seriously should be stressed more. It's considered an inhibitor in most  
places- well, actually EVERYWHERE." His midnight blue eyes narrowed, and he appeared to  
be wishing some sort of bodily harm on the taller, auburn-haired man.  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge staff appeared and bonked Nephrite over the head.  
  
False-Mamo's eyes widened. "Wow. It WORKED?" He cleared his throat. "And now I wish that  
Tuxedo Kamen-baka and I would get back to normal."  
  
They didn't.  
  
"No, you baka..." Kunzite trailed off, annoyed, then simply pointed.  
  
The long gray staff had a bearer. The said owner of the staff was wearing a ridiculously  
revealing sailor fuku, accentuating her long dark green hair, dark skin, garnet eyes, and time  
staff, which had been the object used to bonk Nephrite. (Gotta love that time staff.)  
  
Sailor Pluto. False-Mamoru and Kunzite both recognized her from hearing various legends as  
they grew up. Watch out for the Angel of Time. Better be an obedient little slave to the Dark  
Kingdom, boy, or the Angel of Time, Pluto-sama, will come get you, with her bright burning  
powers and huge sickle of DEATH. False-Zoi, however, was clueless. He only recognized the  
sailor fuku. He assumed she was some senshi he hadn't met yet.  
  
Pluto glared at Nephrite, then continued what she had started. "How dare you defy all the  
rules like this?" Bonk. "Use my time gate to your own selfish purposes?" Bonk. "Make a fool of  
me?! ME!" Bonk! BONK!  
  
"Wow," Kunzite breathed, for once in his life star-struck. "Pluto, the fabled senshi of time."  
  
False Zoi sighed. "She doesn't seem all that impressive to me, personally." Kunzite in  
response shot a doubtful glance at Pluto, who was still screaming at Nephrite and bonking  
him over the head with her time staff. Over and over.  
  
"You know, this is really embarrassing to watch," he continued, wincing. Kunzite nodded in  
agreement. "Kind of pathetic, really."  
  
"When she's done..." he glanced back... "punishing Nephrite, she WILL switch you two back,  
won't she?"  
  
"I don't know," False-Zoi sighed. "I have no idea who this crazy Pluto woman is. Zoisite,  
what do you think?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Zoisite?" he repeated.  
  
No answer.  
  
"Where's Zoisite?" Kunzite asked, frowning.  
  
***  
  
Motoki opened the door to his (extremely dirty) apartment with more than a little trepidation.  
Who would be calling now?  
  
"Konnichiwa, Motoki-kun!" False-Mamoru greeted him brightly. He wore a long, black leather  
coat, which was kind of weird, considering how warm it was outside.  
  
"Konnichiwa, Mamoru-kun," Motoki echoed, eyeing his friend warily. He still remembered  
Mamoru's strange behavior.  
  
"Please don't be alarmed," False-Mamoru sighed. "Really. I just wanted to have some quiet  
time with a friend. You're my best friend, and I needed someone to talk to." He looked down.  
"I've been really confused, Motoki-kun."  
  
Motoki smiled, happy that Mamoru was finally coming to his senses. "I'll brew us a pot of tea,  
okay, Mamoru-kun."  
  
False-Mamoru smiled. "Sure. That sounds great." He turned and walked into Motoki's hall  
closet to put away his coat.  
  
"Motoki-kun?" he called. Motoki swirled around from his position, halfway to the kitchen, then  
FROZE.  
  
False-Mamoru had been wearing absolutely nothing under his coat.  
  
"Aw, come on," False-Mamoru drawled. "Motoki-kun, we've been best friends for... how long?  
Don't tell me you've never thought about it. Not even just once."  
  
False-Mamoru stepped forward, pushed the still frozen Motoki against the wall of his  
apartment. "So... what do you say, Motoki-chan?" he purred, pressing his lips against  
Motoki's ear, then his body against Motoki's.  
  
He rubbed his crotch against the other man's, and then reached for the STILL frozen other  
man's shirt and began to unbutton it-  
  
Motoki did the only sensible thing to do. He gaped, then fainted dead away.  
  
False-Mamo grinned. Then he reached into Motoki's closet and withdrew his coat. He pulled  
it on, loving the soft, smooth feel of the leather against his bare skin, which made him feel  
so powerful, so much more than he was. He buttoned it up slowly, savoring the feeling. He was  
on the loose now. His mission? To ruin Tuxedo Kamen's life.  
  
First Furuhata Motoki. Next...  
  
The world!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~End of chapter~  
  
  
TBC, hopefully soon!  
Don't forget to review! 


	9. Zoisite rules!

Disclaimer- The Tennou, Tuxedo Kamen, and Sailor Pluto belong to Naoko-sama and various.  
Oh, BTW, the Inner Senshi do too, but we don't really care about them, do we?  
  
Author's Note- I'm back! Again, thanks to everyone for their nice reviews. This is a pretty  
long chapter compared to some of the previous ones, anyway, o I decided not to put individual  
thanks this time, but I'm very grateful.   
  
-smiles, GRATEFULLY-  
  
Anyway, the plot is winding down. I didn't know exactly what everyone was going to do as  
they wrote this chapter. They sort of chose it all themselves, especially False-Mamoru, that  
little devil. Now, I know normally Zoisite wouldn't disobey or defy his Kunzaito-sama in any  
way, but all through the story, he's been feeling rather detached from his Dark Kingdom life,  
and more his own person. I don't know about you, but by this chapter, I can really see Zoi-  
kun going for it.  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Nine  
  
Kunzite sighed, looking slightly worried. The sounds of enraged female screeching and  
bonking had faded slightly in volume, so it seemed that Pluto-san would be done with  
Nephrite pretty soon. Where was Zoisite? Why would Zoi skip out now?  
  
False-Zoisite was SURE where False-Mamoru had gone. "He wants to be put back, I bet," he  
commented quietly to Kunzite. "But he saw an opportunity he couldn't ignore. He has my  
body within control. He knows who I am!" False-Zoisite's fists clenched. It was odd, Kunzite  
thought idly, how different Zoisite's body looked when occupied by himself or Tuxedo Kamen.  
"He's out there, ruining my life!"  
  
Kunzite sighed. "Judging from how much I know of you so far, Kamen-san, I can't say I'm  
entirely sure you don't deserve it."  
  
It took a second for False-Zoi to realize he'd been insulted. "Very funny," he remarked  
darkly.  
  
Kunzite sighed heavily. "I think I prefer Zoisite in there much better."  
  
"Yeah," False-Zoi shot back, in a mood for payback. "Because he thinks you're the sun and  
moon and stars. Because he does whatever you say. Because he lets you fuck him."  
  
"Shut up, Kamen," Kunzite snapped. "I won't be mocked by a mere child like you."  
  
Tuxedo Kamen had months of taunting the Odango Atama to rely back on. He grinned. "Isn't  
that when I'm doing right now, then? Admit it, somebody struck a nerve!"  
  
"Don't talk about Zoisite that crudely," Kunzite continued, fixing his steel gaze on False-Zoi.  
False-Zoi shrunk back, intimidated.  
  
"Um, okay. I'll be quiet now-"  
  
Pluto straightened up at that point, holding a beaten Nephrite in one gloved hand and her  
much-loved staff in another. "Very well. I'm not supposed to interfere in time that much, but  
it's already been interfered in quite a bit."  
  
Nephrite glared up at her, angry at his humiliation before his two fellow Tennou, angry at his  
revenge being put on hold. "The Stars know every-" he began, but Pluto whirled around  
quickly. She whispered something, and then a purple globe of energy shot from her staff and  
slammed into him. Kunzite and False-Zoi watched, impressed, as Nephrite screamed then  
flew back into the wall, Kunzite idly wondering if needed he could take the Pluto Senshi.  
  
"What has been done can be undone," she uttered cryptically, now back to her stoic Angel  
of Time persona. False-Zoi snickered under his breath. It was little late for THAT to start  
showing itself.  
  
Pluto turned her keen garnet eyes onto the two she was planning to switch back, False-Zoi  
and False-Mamo- False-Mamoru? Where was False-Mamoru?  
  
"Where is the other one?" she asked False-Zoi and Kunzite, who both winced.  
  
"We kind of don't know," False-Zoi finally said, earning a glare from Kunzite. "Zoisite skipped  
out, that lame, useless, good-for-nothing super fa-"  
  
A second later- "Ow! By dose! By poor, poor dose!"  
  
Pluto looked vaguely amused, and Nephrite was snickering, amused despite his rather dire  
situation. "Was that completely necessary, Kunzite-san?" Pluto asked, raising a dark green  
eyebrow.  
  
Kunzite nodded. "Tuxedo Kamen is an unmanageable little boy. Such measures are  
necessary."  
  
Pluto smiled mysteriously. "If you only knew what the future had in store..."  
  
"What?" False-Zoi asked, interested. Pluto didn't reply.  
  
Kunzite sighed. He was surrounded, SURROUNDED by LITTLE CHILDREN and SIMPERING  
IDIOTS. "She's being cryptic again," he groaned. The life of the Ice King was not an easy  
one.  
  
"So," Nephrite interjected, bored, "What? Are we going to track Zoisite down, or what?  
Because I know, grand revenge and all, but the three of you are starting to bore me."  
  
Pluto, Kunzite, and False-Zoisite all glared at him.  
  
"Hey," Nephrite said defensively. "You need to stay on task, people." Kunzite gritted his  
teeth. To be told that, like a little child, by a failed Tennou, the Traitor...  
  
"Very well, then," Kunzite nodded. "That is what we shall do." Then he remembered the  
rather dangerous, all-powerful time senshi that was there as well. "If, of course, Pluto-san  
agrees."  
  
"I have no complaints with that course of action," Pluto said diplomatically.  
  
Kunzite nodded. "Very good."  
  
"Um..." False-Zoi raised his hand, causing all three of his companions to chuckle. "Can I say  
something?" Pluto nodded. "It'll be easier to search the streets if Nephrite and Pluto-san  
change into normal clothes."  
  
Nephrite sighed, overpowered but still unbroken. "Do we HAVE to change them back?"  
  
"YES!" All four of his companions screeched at him. He winced. "Hai, hai! I get it!" He looked  
down sullenly, not happy at the prospect of his revenge failing and his return from the dead  
being cut short. "The Stars will punish you," he pouted.  
  
"We're trembling, Nephrite-CHAN," Kunzite said smoothly. He waved a hand, and Pluto and  
Nephrite's clothes transformed into ordinary street clothes.  
  
Pluto pushed Nephrite towards the exit. "You go first, one who is so impudent towards the  
flow of time."  
  
Nephrite glared at her. "You know my name, woman! N-E-P-H-R-I-T-E..." he spelled it out  
slowly, like Pluto was brain-damaged or something. "Use it! Ne-fu-rai-to!"  
  
Bonk!  
  
"Ow!"  
  
False-Mamoru sighed and leaned over towards Kunzite, who had automatically taken a  
position at 'Zoisite's' right. "Wow, what an effective team WE are." Then he yawned.  
  
"Aw, I'm tired. Do we have to do the search thing now? I've been up for days, being yelled  
at by evil bitch queens, trying to fend off the lovely first Tennou's sexual innuendoes, and  
searching for the nijizuishou and my own body, which has skipped out on me!" He breathed  
hard. "Wow, if I'd have known I was going to go on that long, I would have brought myself  
some water."  
  
"You can sleep, Kamen, AFTER we right you and Zoisite-" Kunzite began, but their decision  
was made for them shortly after.  
  
A now heavily snoring False-Zoi had passed out on the dimly moonlit steps of the Azabu  
Technical Institute.  
  
***  
  
After his highly entertaining visit to Motoki the previous night, False-Mamoru had crashed at  
his luxurious apartment. Refreshed after a good night sleep, he went through his automatic  
personal grooming, then began to plan his day. The possibilities were endless, he thought  
happily. He was finally free.  
  
He vaguely remembered something about a second-period class of Kamen's, then the details  
slid into place. Did Kamen have the class again today? On closer inspection... he DID! Oh,  
this was just wonderful. Yes, it was high time to pay another, way overdue visit to Mr.  
Hartman's second-period British Lit class. After throwing a leather jacket on, which made him  
look quite the dashing scoundrel (especially in conservative JAPAN) he dashed out of his  
apartment.  
  
He entered around the same time he had before, around fifteen minutes later. He could once  
again hear the soft sounds of Mr. Hartman's deep voice babbling on about some irrelevant  
British thing and the attentive, gifted students' pencils scratching down notes onto their  
paper, a mile a minute. False-Mamoru grinned. Too orderly. They couldn't have that, now  
could they?  
  
He stepped into open view then, right into dramatic light, which did wonders for Mamoru's  
profile, he noticed. Several students, as well as the astonished teacher, gasped. False-  
Mamoru hadn't heard that many people gasp at one time before. It was kinda cool.  
  
"Konnichiwa, minna," he announced brightly. "I'm back."  
  
Several people, Reiko and her friends among them, shrieked. The aforementioned Reiko  
herself made a beeline for the only exit, the front one. However, False-Mamoru stood in front  
of it, his now bulky form giving him a lot more menacing presence. He looked down at Reiko,  
smirked condescendingly.  
  
For a second, Zoisite shone through, the pretty, androgynous man, the silly, loving man, the  
Third King, the killer of Nephrite and so many others. For a second his midnight blue eyes  
flashed, and it was HIM, not Mamoru, that the so-intelligent Reiko was seeing.  
  
"Go back to your seat, Reiko-san," False-Mamoru said quietly. She scampered back as fast  
as she could. Once she was firmly down, he strode across to the front of the room, next to  
Hartman's slightly smaller form. He looked across the rows of desks, looked each boy and girl  
student in the eye, dared them to run, dared them to resist his new authority.  
  
None of them did.  
  
Next, he finally looked at Hartman. The man was gaping at him like a fish. It made his face  
look quite unattractive. He locked his own eyes with the meek human man's, sent a clear  
message through their gaze that Hartman could not possibly pretend to misunderstand.  
Then, the man sighed, looked down, and plopped his body into a student desk at the back of  
the room.  
  
"Welcome, class," False-Mamoru said coldly. "Today, I'm in charge." No one dared say  
anything to that extraordinary statement.  
  
He crossed over to Hartman's desk and looked through a folder on it. Plans for today's  
lesson. He flipped through them, scanning them lazily. "Boring, stupid, useless, boring,  
snobby, boring." He tossed the entirety of them folder into the neat little trash can by the  
side of the desk, only occupied by a few tissues and some pencil sharpener residue. Then he  
again walked to the center of the room.  
  
Hmmm... he pondered. What should he do? Right now, it seemed like the possibilities were  
endless. Finally he got a bright idea.  
  
"Okay," he announced. "This half of the room." He gestured to his right. "Come up to the  
front." They headed up, nervously. He grinned at him. "Okay, people. Your mission is very  
simple. Do any of you have permanent markers?"  
  
One particularly brave-looking boy raised his hand. "Yes?" False-Mamoru asked. "You can  
answer."  
  
"We all have permanent markers. It's part of our supplies, sir," the boy reported sharply,  
concisely. False-Mamoru instinctively liked him. Useful, subservient, and yet uncringing, he  
reminded Zoi of the youma he had used to execute Nephrite. Those had been great soldiers,  
better than any of the Seven Great Youma could be.  
  
"Alright." False-Mamoru clapped his hands together. "I want you to cover the walls with this  
phrase. Here, I'll write it for you on the blackboard. He slowly wrote it, making the chalk  
screech horrendously. No one made a sound. When he was done, it read 'Zoisite rules.'  
  
"Zoisite rules," he read, carefully enunciating every syllable. "Do you understand?" No one  
answered. "Then get to work!" he snapped. They ran.  
  
"You," he called. "Other half of the room. Move all the chairs and desks out of the way, then  
do 'Zoisite rules all across the floor and ceiling!"  
  
Despite how ridiculous their mission was, one hard glance from him sent them scampering to  
do his will. God, he loved this power. Had he always had this kind of influence and not known  
it?  
  
They finished covering the classroom with 'Zoisite rules' in about thirty minutes, given  
incentive by his various creative threats muttered under his breath he'd do if they didn't  
shape up. He surveyed their work. Nice. They all had good handwriting. The message was  
easy to read, and it would stick for a while.  
  
"You may go," he dismissed them. They bolted.  
  
He grinned, checked his watch. Still early in the day. What now? It was time to pay another  
long-overdue visit- to the Odango Atama.  
  
  
  
  
  
TBC.  
  
  
  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	10. I'm Chiba Mamoru! Usagi's boyfriend!

Disclaimer- Check previous chapters. Thinking something marginally witty up every time is  
getting boring.  
  
A/N- Thanks to hatami, sarah, Dancing Kangaroo, AzianMu, Creature of the night,  
weepingmask, and Rosealeena. Comments are always appreciated! -smiles-  
  
We continue on. This is another pivotal chapter in a way that you'll... well, you'll see.  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
  
False-Zoisite woke the following morning with an awful headache. He groaned, wondered if  
he'd been drinking the past night, then opened his eyes and surveyed his surroundings. An  
unfamiliar hotel room, a rather nice one. He sighed. Another awakening in an unfamiliar place?  
Hopefully this one wouldn't bode so much angst and hassle to come as the previous one had.  
  
He heard a loud knock on the door. He rolled over in bed and didn't answer it. A second later,  
Kunzite stalked inside, looking pissed off at having been ignored. "Time to go search, Tuxedo  
Kamen," he said curtly to the form in the bed.  
  
"What... where am I?" False-Zoi asked sleepily.  
  
Kunzite's fists clenched ever so slightly. "You just fell asleep in the middle of Tokyo, so we  
took you to a hotel. We all stayed here."  
  
"Oh," False-Zoi said, not terribly interested.  
  
"So, we're going now," Kunzite announced imperially. False-Zoi made no move to. "You've  
delayed our search for Zoisite enough already. The quicker we find him, the quicker you go  
back to going to battles ridiculously overdressed and giving incredibly corny speeches."  
  
The insult seemed to rouse False-Zoi a little, as well as the reminder of his and Zoisite's little  
problem. Everything was so warped, he observed. "Okay, fine. Let's go," he said to Kunzite.  
He was still wearing the clothes he'd fallen asleep in last night, and Kunzite apparently was  
as well, though Kunzite's outfit was somehow not wrinkled, pristine as ever.  
  
Typical.  
  
The two of them strode out of the room. They were met by a glowering Sailor Pluto and a  
rather humorous Nephrite, whose hands had been bound together.  
  
Kunzite raised an eyebrow. "Will that not attract undue attention from the humans, Pluto-  
sama?"  
  
"It's the only way to make him stay," Pluto said, sounding slightly miffed at Kunzite's  
questioning of her. "He tried to escape during the night, you know. I just barely stopped  
him."  
  
"Very well," Kunzite agreed, and the four of them exited the hotel, using the elevator to go  
down several floors, briefly checking out at the front desk. They finally strode past the hotel  
doors, making an exceptionally odd picture.  
  
False-Zoi sighed. Their mission, he thought idly, and they had chosen to accept it. To find  
Zoisite at any cost.  
  
Well, not ANY cost. It just sounded cooler if he said it like that.  
  
***  
  
False-Mamoru had a very similar mission. He was going to visit the Odango Atama... and her  
family as well. He grinned evilly.  
  
He had stopped at his apartment and changed into black slacks and a black button-down  
shirt. Wearing all black was surprisingly invigorating. Then, he drove his car to the Tsukino  
house, relying on the frantic, automatic cues from this body on what to do. Despite them, he  
nearly caused a number of accidents on his way.  
  
He parked in a rather flashy maneuver almost directly in front of the Tsukino house, then  
pulled his keys out, slammed the door of the car, and started towards the house. When he  
reached the door, he leaned towards it and knocked, rather hard.  
  
It was quickly opened by a woman he didn't recognize. She had long, rich purple hair and  
wore an apron over her clothes. "Hello," she said, not smiling, but not unfriendly, either. "Can  
I help you, sir? I'm preparing lunch for my family right now. We're having a day together at  
home."  
  
Perfect. False-Mamoru grinned at the news. "I'm Chiba Mamoru. You're Mrs. Tsukino, right?"  
  
She nodded hesitantly. "Yes, I am. Hello... Mamoru-san, did you say?"  
  
He nodded. "Has your daughter Usagi mentioned me at all?"  
  
Mrs. Tsukino's brow furrowed. "No, I don't think she's ever talked about a Mamoru to us  
before. Why? You know her?"  
  
"Know her?" False-Mamoru's hand flew to his mouth in an exaggerated display of shock.  
"She's never mentioned me to you? She told me that she had."  
  
"Why?" Mrs. Tsukino asked.  
  
"I'm her boyfriend," False-Mamoru said with the most casual, effortless of airs. "Surely she  
must have mentioned something-"  
  
Mrs. Tsukino's jaw was hanging open. She shut it for appearance's sake. "Kami-sama...  
Gomen. Well, why don't you come in, Mamoru-san? I had almost finished preparing the food.  
You can have lunch with me, Usagi, and our family."  
  
False-Mamoru smiled bashfully, while inside he was grinning like a maniac. "Are you sure,  
Tsukino-san? I wouldn't want to impose-"  
  
"Nonsense," Mrs. Tsukino smiled. "Come on in." Yesssss! The Odango's MOTHER had invited  
him in!  
  
Mrs. Tsukino looked over her shoulder at Mamoru, who followed her across the threshold into  
her home. She smiled. She was very shocked that Usagi was mature enough to go steady  
with any boy at all, much less such a nice, responsible, handsome one like Mamoru-san. She  
was very happy for her daughter, though a little distressed that Usagi hadn't told her.  
  
Though, thinking of what reaction Kenji would certainly have when he heard the news, she  
could certainly understand why Usagi hadn't...  
  
False-Mamoru looked very impressed at her home, she noticed. "It's a very nice house," he  
lied. "I like what you've done with it. Lots of homy touches." Yeah, he thought. It screams,  
simpleton who's never going to go anywhere! Not really fitting for the ODANGO, is it?  
  
She was preparing an American-style lunch for a change, simple hamburgers. She piled the  
many burgers she had thrown together (she had made extra, knowing Usagi's appetite.)  
False-Mamoru helped her. What a kind, thoughtful young man, she thought, nearly glowing  
with happiness for her daughter.  
  
Kenji, Shingo, and Usagi were all already at the table, looking very hungry. They all grinned  
when she set the platter of food down in the middle of the table, and the three of them  
reached for it at once. "Not so fast," Tsukino Ikuko scolded them. "We have a guest today."   
  
She gestured for False-Mamoru to come in. He entered from the kitchen and winked at Usagi  
before plopping down in an empty seat next to her. Usagi gaped. Oh, god.  
  
"Who's this?" Kenji asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously. Shingo giggled.  
  
"Watashi wa Chiba Mamoru," False-Mamoru said, smiling tentatively at Kenji. "I'm Usagi's  
boyfriend."  
  
"WHAT?" Kenji shrieked, and jumped to his feet. He pulled False-Mamoru out of his chair,  
grabbed the taller man by the collar, and began to rattle him profusely. "HOW DARE YOU  
TOUCH MY LITTLE GIRL? YOU HORRIBLE HENTAI! YOU. WILL. PAAAAAAAY!"  
  
False-Mamoru was looking very distressed throughout all this. Ikuko hurried over and pushed  
Kenji away from False-Mamo, the second of whom hurriedly took his seat again. She turned  
to her husband, deceptively calm.  
  
"Kenji? Can I talk to you outside for a second?"  
  
Kenji followed, still looking angry at False-Mamoru. However, once they were outside the  
dining room, he soon had greater problems to worry about. Usagi, Shingo, and False-Mamoru  
could all hear Ikuko's enraged screams, even inside the dining room.  
  
"How DARE you harass Usagi's boyfriend! You should be HAPPY she has such a NICE young  
man for her own! I will NOT let you mess this up for her, Kenji! You WILL be on your best  
behavior, or YOU'LL BE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"  
  
Usagi, now that her parents were gone, was free to address False-Mamoru. "What the HELL  
are you doing here?" she hissed. Shingo snickered.  
  
False-Mamoru shrugged. "Was bored. Came to see you. Besides, with Kunzite-sama and  
Kamen-san and the cow of a girl and the brainiac, we didn't really get a good enough chance  
to talk."  
  
"But..." Usagi growled, lowering her voice so Shingo couldn't hear. "You! HERE! You're not  
even Mamoru, you're ZOISITE!"  
  
"So?" Zoisite shrugged.  
  
"But you're gay!" Usagi continued to protest. Shingo, who had caught this, looked  
interested.  
  
"Really?" he asked. Both Usagi and False-Mamoru ignored him.  
  
"Yeah," False-Mamoru said nonchalantly. "So?"  
  
"So what are you doing here? With my FAMILY!" Usagi nearly shrieked.  
  
False-Mamoru smirked dangerously. "Yeah. What about that, huh?"  
  
"But you're ZOISITE!" Usagi shrieked desperately. "The EVIL KING! You-"  
  
"You're kind of boring, Odango," False-Mamoru commented. Then, for the first time, he  
noticed the circle-shaped broach on her chest. "Hey. Pretty. Can I see?" His hand snaked  
towards Usagi to inspect it-  
  
Usagi's parent reentered at this point. Kenji was still shooting daggers at False-Mamoru with  
his eyes. "Well," Ikuko said happily. "Now that's been taken care of, we can eat! Come on,  
minna, food's getting cold!"  
  
Everyone happily dug in except for Usagi. "Why aren't you eating?" Ikuko chirped, looking  
slightly worried.  
  
"I'm... not hungry..." Usagi muttered, face red hot. Her family gaped at her. "Don't worry, I  
had a snack like two minutes before lunch," she tried to explain. They breathed a unified sigh  
of relief.  
  
"So, Mamoru-san," Ikuko asked cheerfully, turning to her guest. "How did you and Usagi  
meet?" It was clear she thought of it as a destined meeting.  
  
False-Mamoru grinned like a cat who had just gotten the canary. "Well actually, Tsukino-  
san, that's a funny story..."  
  
***  
  
Kunzite, False-Zoisite, Pluto, and Nephrite had checked through all of the Azabu Technical  
Institute. They also inspected Mamoru's apartment, which proved fruitless. "Where is that  
little baka?" Nephrite moaned. His feet were getting tired.  
  
All of a sudden, False-Zoi gasped, and his companions turned to look at him. "Aw, shit," he  
muttered. "Shit. Shit. SHIT!"  
  
"What?" Kunzite asked, looking doubtful.  
  
"Kami, how could we have been so stupid?" False-Zoi shrieked. "He probably went to see the  
Odango Atama!"  
  
"The little blonde girl with the funny hair?" Kunzite asked. False-Zoi nodded, eyes wide. Both  
Nephrite and Pluto gasped.  
  
"Wait," Nephrite breathed. "Do you mean TSUKINO USAGI??"  
  
"Yeah," False-Zoi commented. "That's the one. Why?"  
  
"This is such a cock-up," Pluto muttered, shaking her head. "This is SUCH a cock-up."  
  
False-Zoi and Kunzite stared at their two coconspirators in puzzlement. "What is it,  
Nephrite?" Kunzite asked, looking slightly unsure.  
  
He opened his mouth to speak, but they were interrupted. By the worst possible diversion  
imaginable.  
  
Queen Beryl appeared before them, a large hologram of her head and shoulders filling their  
range of sight. "Kunzite! Zoisite!" she barked, not looking at them. "Where are my  
nijizuishou?"  
  
Suddenly, her eyes caught on Nephrite and Sailor Pluto, flanking her two Tennou. Her  
subsequent bellow could be heard all throughout Tokyo.  
  
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF METALLIA IS GOING ON?!"  
  
  
TBC.  
  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	11. THERE WILL BE NO STRING QUARTET!

Disclaimer- Do I really need to put this in? I mean, seriously?  
  
Author's Note- For how bloody long this took- sorry. That's all I can say. There were  
computer problems, and family problems, and the wailing and the flailing and the gritting  
and gnashing of teeth, or perhaps just simple apathy on my part, and that's all I can say.  
Please review despite my supreme incompetency in keeping up with this.  
  
Switching Sides  
by Starbrigid  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
  
"And then," False-Mamoru finished, "She pulled her pants back up!"  
  
All of the Tsukino family was now gaping at him with the most comical expressions.  
Finally, Usagi managed to gain control over herself again.  
  
"That is NOT TRUE!" she protested hotly. "None of that EVER happened! Mamoru no  
HENTAI!"  
  
False-Mamoru took on an overdramatic, incredibly fake-looking expression of offense.  
"Why, Od- no, Usagi-chan. You wound me. If you keep going on like that, you'll have your  
family thinking we're not a happy couple." He gave her a sickly-sweet smile. "We couldn't  
let them think that, seeing how HAPPY we make each other, could we?"  
  
Grrr...  
  
"Cool!" Shingo grinned, having been given enough teasing material to last him just about  
three years. "If you ever decided to marry my stupid sister, I'd be cool with it, Mamoru-  
san. Or should I say, if you ever decided to marry the ODANGO ATAMA, I'd be cool with  
it." He snickered at his own use of False-Mamoru's nickname.  
  
"That might be sooner than you think, Shingo-san," False-Mamoru said smoothly.  
  
Ikuko turned to him, puzzled. "What do you mean, Mamoru-san?" she asked.  
  
False-Mamoru grinned. "I had practically given up hope that you'd ask, Ms. Tsukino. See,  
I've recently proposed to my dear sweet Usako, and we plan to wed soon! We've even  
decided on a color scheme already!"  
  
"WHAT?" Ikuko gaped. Her little girl, getting MARRIED?  
  
"WHAT?" Kenji gaped. It was bad enough that Usagi was dating some sort of older scum,  
AND that HE hadn't met said older scum until about TEN MINUTES ago. And now she was  
MARRYING the older scum?  
  
"WHAT?" Shingo gaped. Baka Usagi, going away forever with a guy? Keeping house for  
him and bearing him children? Well, he knew the bearing children part wouldn't be a  
problem, ever since in Usagi's first junior high year he had stolen her used tampons from  
her and made animal sculptures out of them. But making house for some guy? He'd never  
eaten her cooking without a call to the food poisoning line immediately following!  
"WHAT?" Usagi gaped. Sure, he'd proposed to her. But she sure as hell hadn't said YES.  
And this was ZOISITE! The EVIL KING in pursuit of the NIJIZUISHOU who routinely  
FOUGHT her! Hel-LO? Anybody home?  
  
"Yep!" False-Mamoru grinned. "We're going to be very happy together, the two of us,  
aren't we, Usako?"  
  
"Can I talk to you alone, Mamoru?" Usagi asked through gritted teeth, much as her  
mother had asked her father before.  
  
"Sure!" False-Mamoru agreed. Usagi led him outside the dining room. False-Mamoru  
leaned against the wall, sprawling his slender body lazily across it. He was completely  
unprepared for the sudden verbal assault he was given.  
  
"KAMI, you are so STUPID, I hate you so much! You can't just waltz in, you evil king you,  
and, and, tell my family-" Usagi panted- "That you're my BOYFRIEND, and THEN say we're  
getting married!"  
  
"Isn't that what I've been doing, Odango?" False-Mamoru asked casually in the same way  
that had always forced Nephrite back into hysterics before he died. And was subsequently  
revived somehow. Whatever.  
  
"I want you out!" Usagi shrieked. "Away from my family, away from my friends, away  
from ME!"  
  
"Aw, you just don't want to admit your undying love for me," False-Mamoru grinned,  
leisurely placing his hands behind his black head. Usagi's eyes were inevitably drawn to  
his body- his shiny blue-black hair, soulful dark eyes, smooth tanned skin, his six-pack  
abs, clearly defined even under his shirt, and not to mention that ASS-  
  
"ARRRRRRRGH!"  
  
"Don't want to damage my ears now, do we?" False-Mamoru asked innocently. "I wouldn't  
be able to help you choose the string quartet for our wedding!"  
  
"THERE WILL BE NO STRING QUARTET!!!!"  
  
***  
  
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF METALLIA IS GOING ON?!"  
  
Kunzite grimaced. "Queen Beryl-sama, we can explain everything-"  
  
"NEPHRITE!" Queen Beryl shrieked. "Zoisite killed you! What are you doing here? You're  
DEAD!"  
  
"Queen Beryl-sama, please, if you just let us explain-" Kunzite tried again, but was once  
again cut off.  
  
"And the three of you? What in the world is the Angel of Time doing here, and why are  
you in her presence?"  
  
The said Angel of Time sighed and began to bonk her head on the ground. In all her time  
as the Guardian of, well, Time, she had never seen such a massive cock-up. This seemed  
like the only plausible coping mechanism left to her.  
  
"Queen Beryl-sama, if you just let us explain, everything will make perfect sense!"  
Kunzite shouted, not used to being ignored, even by his Queen.  
  
"Fine, then. What is going on?" Beryl asked imperially. She had no idea, and for the first  
time in ages felt control slipping through her fingers. The four of them, Kunzite, False-  
Zoisite, Nephrite, and Pluto, all began at the same time.  
  
Nephrite: "It's all Pluto's fault, the stupid senshi's incompetency, I got back to the living  
by slipping past her while she was taking a little nap-"  
  
False-Zoisite: "I didn't do anything! I just went to sleep one night, and I woke up naked  
with Kunzite, and everything went downhill-"  
  
Kunzite: "Queen Beryl-sama, your past Tennou, the incompetent Nephrite, has come back  
to seek revenge-"  
  
Pluto: "You're all head-cases! I've never seen any more screwed up people in the entire  
thousand fucking years I've been alive-"  
  
"Stop!" Queen Beryl shrieked. They all did. Her huge hologram of just her head and  
shoulders was quite imposing. "Now, Zoisite," she said, randoming selecting him from the  
group as the least psychotic-looking at the moment, "Tell me what is going on. Tell me  
why Nephrite and the Pluto Senshi are standing around some stupid human school with  
the two Tennou I ordered over a day ago to bring me the nijizuishou they still have not  
delivered!"  
  
False-Zoisite sighed. What did he have to lose now? "I'm not Zoisite. I'm Tuxedo Kamen."  
  
"WHAT?" Queen Beryl screeched. If Kunzite had been present to see False-Mamoru break  
the news of his and the Odango's 'engagement' to the said Odango's family, he would  
have said their reactions to the news were quite similar.  
  
"I woke up like this," False-Zoisite offered. "Yesterday. And Kunzite figured it out."  
  
"It's true, my queen," Kunzite continued, regaining his composure, hoping against all  
hope that his not-quite-sane leader wouldn't choose to blow all four of them up just for  
the hell of it. "Nephrite managed to gain some sort of control over the time gates while  
their guardian, Sailor Pluto here, was unaware. He used this to come to the mortal world,  
and to switch Tuxedo Kamen and Zoisite's bodies."  
  
"For revenge," Nephrite said happily and quite evilly, rubbing his hands together in a  
stereotypical villain fashion. "But then," he said, shooting an evil glare at the Senshi of  
Time, who was STILL bonking her head on the ground, "Pluto caught up to me, and the  
three of them have been holding me captive ever since!"  
  
They all shot tentative glances at the huge, translucent image of Queen Beryl, who  
seemed quite speechless. Finally, she regained her composure, and responded in her  
normal fashion. "Why did you hide this from me?" she asked, voice steely and scary.  
  
Kunzite winced, her most senior officer and therefore obliged to answer. "We- we thought  
it wise to keep it from you, my queen, for the safety of the internal affairs of the Dark  
Kingdom-"  
  
"Don't strain yourself making up pretty lies for me, Kunzite," Queen Beryl hissed. Seeing  
how many times her snakelike eyes were magnified in the hologram, the predatorial glint  
they shot at her first Tennou was painfully obvious.  
  
"We thought that you would kill Tuxedo-Kamen-in-Zoisite, or possibly both Tuxedo Kamen  
and Zoisite, and completely obliterate any hope of making them right." Kunzite sighed.  
  
Queen Beryl's malicious gaze promised many horrible tortures for his impudence, but she  
let it go for the moment. "And you!" She turned to Pluto. "How long have you been here?"  
  
Pluto sighed. "Since yesterday, Queen."  
  
"And why have you not switched them back? Isn't that your job, Time Senshi, to keep the  
time stream right?"  
  
The expressions that came on Pluto, Kunzite, and False-Zoisite's faces were all of deep  
panic. "Well, that is-" Pluto began, turning red and panicky. She cut herself off.  
  
"Zoisite-in-Mamoru has ran away from us, but we know his location," Kunzite finished for  
the senshi. He knew that he had bungled this very badly, and in the Dark Kingdom, if one  
messed up, one paid. If only Beryl hadn't found out!  
  
"Ah," Queen Beryl finally decided, "I'll have to come down and personally oversee finding  
my second king, seeing as how my first one has bungled this mistake so hopelessly.  
Pluto-san will switch the two of them back, and we will proceed as if none of this mess  
ever happened. Kunzite, rest assured that consequences for putting back our great  
queen's progress like this will not be pleasant."  
  
Kunzite bowed his head in acceptance. A second later, Queen Beryl had set foot on Earth  
for the first time in centuries. None of the party dared to tell her to change into  
inconspicuous Earth clothes.  
  
"Where is Zoisite, then?" Queen Beryl asked.  
  
"With a girl," Kunzite answered, ignoring Pluto's frantic gestures not to tell Beryl. "Some  
little human who Tuxedo Kamen knew that Zoisite took a fancy to. Tsukino Usagi."  
  
TBC.  
  
Don't forget to review! 


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